The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami

Dave Waivers University suffered its first setback of the season on Saturday, losing a heartbreaker to rival W. Byron Rostersmith University, 190-172.  "It's tough to score 172 and lose, fourth highest score in the league this week," lamented Dave Waivers University Head Coach Dave Waivers, "I feel like these games have been closer than they should be, so I've fired my entire defensive staff, and already hired a new one."   Waivers intuition is a good one; stats show DWU has surrendered more points to opposing offenses than any other team in the league.   "I guess it's not nothin' to have played the hardest schedule, but you got these other crumb bums floating around the league winning games without breaking 100.   Muuuuust beeeeee niiiiiice," Waivers finished in his characteristic drawl. Though loathe to place blame on the program's winningest coach, this reporter plucked up the courage to point out that on the last two plays of ...

  Week 3 - THE WAIVERS WRAP - By Sue Nami Upper Crustington, MA - Dave Waivers University moved to 3-0 Saturday night on the back of its high-flying offense, outpacing bitter rival Clashmore Mike College 186-179.   The Fightin' Blue Waves narrowly missed out on topping the league in scoring for a second consecutive week, finishing second only behind Name Too Divine University (190 points).   With Wavey Dave--DWU's anthropomorphic blue wave mascot--suspended for the contest after miming urinating on the CMC logo with blue Mountain Dew at halftime of last year's contest, university officials opted to allow head coach Dave Waivers to substitute his Bluetick Coonhound, Clete, in the mascot role.   According to longsuffering Sports Information Director Landry Collins, the move is not unprecedented. DWU's teams played under the nickname Smellhounds until the 1940s, and even today the university will occasionally resurrect the mascot whenever tsunami-related devastation...

Waiverton - With the offense firing on all cylinders, the Fightin' Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University moved to 2-0, defeating the Gnus of New Guy University 179-168. Their 179 points led the league in scoring, a feat seeming all but impossible after struggling to put points on the board during Week 1. "One of my heroes, Lou Holtz, always said you improve the most between your first two games," said head coach Dave Waivers at his post-game press conference. "And then he also said a bunch of other things that I won't repeat because I don't wanna end up in racial sensitivity training again, ok let's move on." The Waves were led by the 60 points scored by the quarterbacking combo of Quinn Ewers of Texas and Oregon's Bo Nix, and got 26 points from Michigan's D/ST. "We're gonna keep riding the Wolverines on D because they've basically been gifted a one-game season by sycophantic conference schedulers. It's a disgrace to the s...

  THE WAIVERS WRAP - By Sue Nami Biffton - As the final whistle sounded in Biffton Stadium Saturday night, a jubilant Dave Waivers University (1-0) head coach Dave Waivers sprinted over to the visitor's section to celebrate with his travelling faithful.   Grabbing the drum major's baton and shoving the hapless nerd to the ground, Waivers climbed the stepladder and directed the DWU band in a rendition of the school's famous War Hymn , before taking a long swig from a concealed hip flask. "It's the greatest of days to be the fightin' blue waves," said Waivers into the microphone at his post-game presser.   Waivers remained visibly excited despite having been shunted into a tiny basement back room in the bowels of Biffton Stadium for his press conference, with scalding, fetid graywater dripping onto the press table from rusted pipes only six inches above his head.   "Ahh, it's not big deal.   The Biffs put me back here because they're sore ab...