WAVES FALL TO EARLS VIA OFFSEASON CONSPIRACY

The Fighting Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University fell just short of sweeping their three local trophy games, losing to the Earls of Earl Pickswell University, 161-154.  The Waves slipped to 5th after the loss. 

"Well, obviously, this is complete horseshit," remarked a chagrined Dave Waivers University Head Coach Dave Waivers.  "Why'd we lose?  Because the haters in our division got sick of us winning with defense last year, so they relentlessly whined at the commissioner all off season until he gave in to shut them up."

The new defense scoring rules were clearly the major contributing factor in the loss.  Waivers gambled by playing Notre Dame's defense a week after the Irish's surprise home loss to MAC opponent Northern Illinois.  In saner times, his gamble would have paid off.  Notre Dame's suffocating defense stifled a hapless Purdue, holding the Boilermakers to just seven points and 164 total yards, while registering four sacks, two takeaways, and even a pick-6.  But under this year's modified scoring, which treats college football like a 7-on-7 passing tournament for the sake of over-stimulated man-children with no attention spans, Notre Dame's effort netted a mere 23 points.

"Meanwhile," Waivers complained, "some middling quarterback is scoring more than that putting up mediocre numbers in a losing effort somewhere.  If you don't like football, why are you playing fantasy football?"

The Waves will look to regroup next Saturday in their home opener against cross-division foe Name Too Devine.  The 3rd-ranked Saints feature the powerful K. Johnson/J. Jackson running back combo, but will be without injured Texas QB Q. Ewers.  For their part, the Waves will start a resurgent K. McCord (Syracuse) at quarterback for the first time this season, and employ a heavy Syracuse stack that includes WR T. Pena and all-American TE O. Gadsden.

Waivers could not be reached for comment about these upcoming roster maneuvers, as he had excused himself to chainsmoke. 

The Waves kickoff this Saturday at noon.

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