THE WAIVERS WRAP - WEEK 10

 THE WAIVERS WRAP – BY SUE NAMI

Two weeks ago, the residents of Waiverton expressed their displeasure at DWU’s 2-6 record in an almost unconscionable act of defiance: by de-festooning their trees, houses, shops, and pets of their traditional seasonal royal blue streamers and garlands.  In light of the hometown team’s two game winning streak, however, the city has been re-festooned, and Dave Waivers University colors again wave happily everywhere in the autumn breeze. 

Local retailers have noted the uptick in the general Waivertonian mood as well, especially as measured in DWU merchandise sales since the winning streak commenced.  Honus Grundy, an owner of sixteen stores in the WaveWorld franchise of 24-hour DWU clothing and memorabilia emporiums, noted that, “while [he] was down mostly to package liquor sales last week, it’s back to the normal grind of moving Dave Waivers sweatshirts, shot glasses, beer helmets, gun racks, and little stickers of Calvin peeing on the Wintergreens! logo.  Heck, my store down on Blacklung Blvd. just completely sold out of Shotgun Horns (the loud plastic horns known by locals as “Hillbilly Vuvuzelas,” which also double as beer bongs).

Those horns were put to good use by Waves faithful during Saturday’s 174-108 beating of Husker conference foe Name Too Devine, who was forced to use all three of their timeouts in the first series of each half.  The noise seemed only to grow as the game wore on; the NTDU offensive line committed multiple false start penalties, broadcast announcers struggled to make themselves heard to television viewers, referee whistles went unheeded, and even the normally deafening sound effect of a car backfiring that signals the crowd to “get fired up” for third down fell on deaf ears.

“I challenged our men to play through the whistle today, and I can’t be sure they didn’t,” shouted Dave Waivers University Head Coach Dave Waivers at his post-game press conference.  “Anyway, we put up 174, and that’s a season high, which maybe isn’t something to necessarily hang your hat on this late in the season, but it’s worth a ‘crash em’”.  He then performed his characteristic “W” hand gesture and shouted “Crash Em!” into a quiet room of bemused reporters. 

Sadly, DWU begins playoff season relegated to the also-ran tournament bracket, fighting not for a league trophy, but for pride and draft order only.  The Waves will travel to Cincinnati to take on the BKC Trolls this Saturday in a re-match of last month’s excruciating 0.4 point home loss, which resulted in so much fan destruction of Waiverton Stadium that no less than fifteen tenured humanities professors were dubiously fired for cause and saw their compensation repurposed to the stadium maintenance budget.  Saturday’s game kicks off at 6 AM Sunday morning, Tongan time.

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