The Waivers Wrap - Week 11

 THE WAIVERS WRAP – By Sue Nami

After having been narrowly pipped by 0.4 points in last month’s tilt against the BKCU, the Fightin’ Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University once again come up short on Saturday, falling to the Trolls, 186-170.   

Head coach Dave Waivers was nowhere to be seen at his scheduled post-game press conference, but was replaced by a standup cardboard cutout of himself holding a bottle of Diet Mt. Dew Xtreme Blewberry Xplosion.  In front of the cutout sat a small speaker with a button, that, when pushed by reporters, emitted one of three pre-recorded statements in Waiver’s voice:

“We didn’t play Waves football.”

"We’ve got to coach better. Right now, it is what it is.”

“Yet another starter was a ‘Did Not Play.’  Won’t someone think of the fantasy coaches?!”

A fourth recording was simply a clip of Indianapolis Colts head coach Jim Mora’s famous “playoffs” rant. 

While most reporters hastily lapped up Waivers pre-recorded statements in order to work them into their formulaic stories, this intrepid reporter tracked the real Coach Waivers to the loading dock of the Chester Cheeto Athletic Complex, where she knew he would be.  Indeed, he was found smoking with several busboys from the complex cafeteria and an elderly woman in a maid’s uniform.

“I see you found me, then,” said a dour-looking Waivers.  “Sue, I’d like you to meet Joaquin and Manuel—they work for Roy in Food Service—and you know Martha already, I’m sure.  I’ll not be taking to the press today, and I’d like to direct any questions you may have to the cardboard.”

If the reader will indulge this author some uncharacteristic editorializing: it was truly something to see this absolute titan of the game, this hero to millions, out here among his people as an equal, a shepherd who truly smells of his sheep.  Up close it is plain to see that the weight of this season rest heavily on the broad shoulders of this great man.  But fans of the sport—whether Waves fan or no—will be comforted to hear that within his steely gaze is still perceptible that spark of vitality, that child-like sense of awe, that youthful yearning to prove himself, that lover’s passion for wanton conquest, that sensuous, burning desire to dominate, that turgid posture, so powerfully, manfully erect, out here in the rain, clothes clinging tightly to every rippling muscle of his physique, a thin stream of steam rising from his burning, taut flesh, drenched, dripping, sopping wet.

The Waves resume their season Saturday against Byron Rostersmith U.