The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami

Dave Waivers University suffered its first setback of the season on Saturday, losing a heartbreaker to rival W. Byron Rostersmith University, 190-172.  "It's tough to score 172 and lose, fourth highest score in the league this week," lamented Dave Waivers University Head Coach Dave Waivers, "I feel like these games have been closer than they should be, so I've fired my entire defensive staff, and already hired a new one."   Waivers intuition is a good one; stats show DWU has surrendered more points to opposing offenses than any other team in the league.   "I guess it's not nothin' to have played the hardest schedule, but you got these other crumb bums floating around the league winning games without breaking 100.   Muuuuust beeeeee niiiiiice," Waivers finished in his characteristic drawl. Though loathe to place blame on the program's winningest coach, this reporter plucked up the courage to point out that on the last two plays of ...

  Week 3 - THE WAIVERS WRAP - By Sue Nami Upper Crustington, MA - Dave Waivers University moved to 3-0 Saturday night on the back of its high-flying offense, outpacing bitter rival Clashmore Mike College 186-179.   The Fightin' Blue Waves narrowly missed out on topping the league in scoring for a second consecutive week, finishing second only behind Name Too Divine University (190 points).   With Wavey Dave--DWU's anthropomorphic blue wave mascot--suspended for the contest after miming urinating on the CMC logo with blue Mountain Dew at halftime of last year's contest, university officials opted to allow head coach Dave Waivers to substitute his Bluetick Coonhound, Clete, in the mascot role.   According to longsuffering Sports Information Director Landry Collins, the move is not unprecedented. DWU's teams played under the nickname Smellhounds until the 1940s, and even today the university will occasionally resurrect the mascot whenever tsunami-related devastation...

Waiverton - With the offense firing on all cylinders, the Fightin' Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University moved to 2-0, defeating the Gnus of New Guy University 179-168. Their 179 points led the league in scoring, a feat seeming all but impossible after struggling to put points on the board during Week 1. "One of my heroes, Lou Holtz, always said you improve the most between your first two games," said head coach Dave Waivers at his post-game press conference. "And then he also said a bunch of other things that I won't repeat because I don't wanna end up in racial sensitivity training again, ok let's move on." The Waves were led by the 60 points scored by the quarterbacking combo of Quinn Ewers of Texas and Oregon's Bo Nix, and got 26 points from Michigan's D/ST. "We're gonna keep riding the Wolverines on D because they've basically been gifted a one-game season by sycophantic conference schedulers. It's a disgrace to the s...

  THE WAIVERS WRAP - By Sue Nami Biffton - As the final whistle sounded in Biffton Stadium Saturday night, a jubilant Dave Waivers University (1-0) head coach Dave Waivers sprinted over to the visitor's section to celebrate with his travelling faithful.   Grabbing the drum major's baton and shoving the hapless nerd to the ground, Waivers climbed the stepladder and directed the DWU band in a rendition of the school's famous War Hymn , before taking a long swig from a concealed hip flask. "It's the greatest of days to be the fightin' blue waves," said Waivers into the microphone at his post-game presser.   Waivers remained visibly excited despite having been shunted into a tiny basement back room in the bowels of Biffton Stadium for his press conference, with scalding, fetid graywater dripping onto the press table from rusted pipes only six inches above his head.   "Ahh, it's not big deal.   The Biffs put me back here because they're sore ab...

The disappearance of Dave Waivers University Head Coach Dave Waivers has been the only talk of town the past few weeks, with fans across the WaiveNation worrying over the whereabouts of the iconic coach.  After vanishing a month ago following the Fighting Blue Waves 1-point loss to the Name Too Divine Tech Saints, Waivers re-emerged this week to lead his troops to a 166-115 trouncing of the University of Earl at Pickswell Earls to claim the annual Wayneshead Trophy.   When pressed by reporters what could have justified a leave of absence of that length in the middle of the football season--a span that saw the Waves lose four consecutive games--Waivers merely remarked about the "coming apocalyptic moment in college football" where "only teams who have prepared themselves to do what is necessary to survive" will remain competitive, while everyone else will find themselves "playing the part of the proverbial whipping boy." Though he refused to comment on his ...

 The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami A crestfallen Dave Waivers University Head Coach Dave Waivers took to the podium after his team's narrow 154-153 loss to the Name Too Devine Tech Saints and lashed out in uncharacteristic fashion at his own team.  "I tell you what," said Waivers, "these one-point losses just gall you, know what I mean?  They just gall.  And I would never call out a player, but zero point three points for a starting running back ain't gonna cut it in this league, son.  You score 20 points sitting on the bench, then get into the game and put up zero point three?  Michigan State don't wanna play Waves football apparently, so it's straight back to the bench.  I'm galled." At 1-2, the Fighting Blue Waves must search for answers and find them quickly, as the W. Byron Rostersmith Smiths come to town for the Homecoming game boasting an undefeated record.  Waivers has already announced a roster shakeup this week, with Arizona's J. de La...

 The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami The Fightin' Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University fell to 1-1 after dropping Saturday's contest with Mac Bob U, 158-123.  Texas Tech QB Donovan Smith turned in an admirable 27-point performance in a call-up role for the injured Tyler Shough, but low outputs from Arizona QB Jayden de Laura and an uncharacteristically poor showing by the Alabama D/ST sunk the Waves' hopes for victory. "Those coaching staffs didn't coach Waves Football," said a dejected Dave Waivers University head coach Dave Waivers.  "More to the point, this 70% rule is killing me.  First, FCS teams shouldn't play FBS teams, it's a joke.  Second, when they do play, most of the starters get less than 70% of their normal snaps anyway.  It's hard on us fantasy coaches to get a sense of our rosters at this point in the season because you can never just roll with what you think is the best squad.  It'll be nice when we finally get past all this t...