The Waivers Wrap - Week 2

 The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami

The Fightin' Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University fell to 1-1 after dropping Saturday's contest with Mac Bob U, 158-123.  Texas Tech QB Donovan Smith turned in an admirable 27-point performance in a call-up role for the injured Tyler Shough, but low outputs from Arizona QB Jayden de Laura and an uncharacteristically poor showing by the Alabama D/ST sunk the Waves' hopes for victory.

"Those coaching staffs didn't coach Waves Football," said a dejected Dave Waivers University head coach Dave Waivers.  "More to the point, this 70% rule is killing me.  First, FCS teams shouldn't play FBS teams, it's a joke.  Second, when they do play, most of the starters get less than 70% of their normal snaps anyway.  It's hard on us fantasy coaches to get a sense of our rosters at this point in the season because you can never just roll with what you think is the best squad.  It'll be nice when we finally get past all this throat-clearing and into the meat of the schedule."

"Oh, and I almost forgot to mention I had someone I wanted to introduce," Waivers continued,  gesturing to a muscly gentleman in a skin-tight royal blue Waves polo.  "This is Hugh Gaines, he's new on staff, you might have seen him this past week on our sidelines getting in the kids faces, getting them real fired up.  I guess he's technically part of the strength and conditioning staff, as he's working towards a Master's degree in sports nutrition, but his real job is to project relentless positivity and false enthusiasm at all times, plus pull me back onto the sidelines by my belt if I get animated with the refs."

When called to the mic to speak, the heavily-tattooed Gaines--starkly bald, but with a large and pointed beard glistening with beard oil--emitted a loud, wolfish howl and beat his chest fiercely with his fist.  "Oh, yeah!" he barked. "Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery, today is a gift!  Make it great!"

"Ha, ha, you gotta love that," said Waivers.  "He's got a million of 'em.  Plus, ol' Hugh knows continued tuition assistance is 100% reliant on him never breaking that mask of unrelenting positivity.  Our kids need someone screaming cliché affirmations in their ears at all times, whether that's when they're doin' squats in the weight room or after having been beaten over the top by downfield pass."

Gaines then strode purposefully from the podium and exited the room, but not before shaking hands with each member of the press corps and sustaining with them several seconds of direct eye contact.

The Waves open their home slate this week against Husker Conference foe Name Too Devine Tech.  Improvements to Waiverton Stadium, including the new $100 million student-athlete rec center, paid for by liquidating the university's sociology department, were finished just in time for the home kickoff.

"I'm having all the guys eat at the new Wolfgang Puck place in there this week," said Waivers, "If we win, we'll make it a regular thing."

Kickoff is slated for 6:00am Sunday morning, Kiribati time.







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