The Waivers Wrap - Week 3

 The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami

A crestfallen Dave Waivers University Head Coach Dave Waivers took to the podium after his team's narrow 154-153 loss to the Name Too Devine Tech Saints and lashed out in uncharacteristic fashion at his own team.  "I tell you what," said Waivers, "these one-point losses just gall you, know what I mean?  They just gall.  And I would never call out a player, but zero point three points for a starting running back ain't gonna cut it in this league, son.  You score 20 points sitting on the bench, then get into the game and put up zero point three?  Michigan State don't wanna play Waves football apparently, so it's straight back to the bench.  I'm galled."

At 1-2, the Fighting Blue Waves must search for answers and find them quickly, as the W. Byron Rostersmith Smiths come to town for the Homecoming game boasting an undefeated record.  Waivers has already announced a roster shakeup this week, with Arizona's J. de Laura taking the place of TTech's D. Smith at one of the QB spots, and last minute waiver wire pickup K. Coleman slotting into the flex position.  

"Plus," added Waivers, "nobody's playing FCS teams this week, so we don't get that bullshit 70% horseshit penalizing us." 

If the mood at the Chester Cheetah Athletic Complex was dour, the mood around campus has turned jovial, as students prepare for Homecoming Week festivities.  Unique among American colleges and universities, DWU actually celebrates two homecomings, always on back-to-back weekends, with classes the week in-between cancelled, and all manner festive activities planned for student enjoyment.

"It's a drunken hillbilly shitshow, to be honest.  But man, I do love homecoming week," said Waivers.  "Course, maybe not as much as I love this this new, high-octane Diet Mt. Dew Xtreme Code Red Cardiac Collapse.  I've been enjoying this fine beverage every morning with a few of my Winstons, and it will put the proverbial pep in your step." 

"Hey, look at that," Waivers then said to himself, taking a 2-liter bottle of the violently crimson liquid from SID Landry Collins and examining it closely, "it's actually stained the plastic, hasn't it?"  

"Anyway, homecoming week's great.  Spirits are high, the leaves are turning, and on Tuesday I'm participating in the annual Funyuns 5k Fun Run, then its off to the Frito-Lay Dunk Dave charity fundraiser to benefit all our adjunct professors.  Yeah, for a sawbuck, you can throw a football at the lever what holds me over a vat of this soda, and I'm assured its more corrosive aspects don't have time to go to work as long as you get hoisted out of it and hosed down right away."

Waivers then opened the bottle, took a long pull, and belched, "that's extreme!"

---

Kickoff for the Waves tilt against the Smiths is set for Saturday at 8PM, Mombassa time.


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