The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami

 THE WAIVERS WRAP – By Sue Nami Despite endless and predictable pre-game self-flagellation from the Wintergreens! University football staff in the run-up to Saturday’s Danville Anvil matchup, WU naturally turned in far and away its best performance of the season, besting the Fightin’ Blue Waves 216-144.   Even though WU officials repeatedly assured the public of their own team’s ineptitude—in a fashion as pathetic as it was unsolicited—no less than seven of eight WU offensive starters bested their season scoring average, because of course. Now at 2-6, DWU’s chance to make the playoffs is all but over.   The Fightin’ Blue Waves must travel to Pickswell to face the Earls this Saturday with top-scorer Dorian Thompson-Robinson in doubt with an injury to his throwing hand.     None of the DWU football staff was available to meet the press after the game, though SID Landry Collins did make available to the press Martha, an elderly, Polish language only speaker, who cleans the architect

 THE WAIVERS WRAP – By Sue Nami Waiverton Stadium descended into lawlessness late Saturday night after the Fightin’ Blue Waves posted their fifth loss of the season, dropping a last-second heartbreaker to the BKCU Trolls, 98.8 to 98.4.   At the final whistle, a hailstorm of trash from the stands forced Dave Waivers University Head Coach Dave Waivers to take shelter in his team’s sideline medical emergency tent, ousting a DWU lineman who had been receiving intravenous fluids for dehydration.   The tent eventually collapsed under the weight of tens of thousands of empty 24 oz. cans of Diet Mt. Dew Killer Bee Buzz Brew, a potent new soda high in both caffeine and alcohol, which had been given away to fans in unlimited quantities as part of a promotional campaign.   Members of Waivers’ security detail sustained multiple injuries before they could shepherd the coach to safety in the tunnel.   State trooper Sgt. Ephraim Hogg, Waiver’s long-time stoic on-field body guard, was hit in the

 THE WAIVERS WRAP – By Sue Nami The Fightin’ Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University dropped a fourth contest this Saturday, falling to Huskers Conference foe ITDTGU, 153-126. A Waves victory seemed assured by the late in the third quarter when DWU, holding level to that point and with ITDTGU running out of player minutes, finally inserted its quarterbacks.   But it was not to be; ITDTGU stalwarts C. Rodriquez of Kentucky and G. Shrader of Syracuse refused to quit scoring, piling on points as their respective coaching staffs couldn’t think of anything more original or insightful to do than repeatedly giving them the ball. Decisively, however, it was the three DWU starters who did not see the field at all who cost their team the win. “Look,” said a disconsolate Dave Waivers Head Coach Dave Waivers at his post-game press conference, “Brian Kelly didn’t want to start D. Pyne even though the whole world—including the various podcast insiders—were sure he’d demoted J. Coan, that statu

A elated Dave Waivers strode into the press room following his team’s 144-85, come-from-behind victory over Howie Koachemup in the annual E-Town Beatdown rivalry. “There’s nothing like winning a rivalry game,” said the positively giddy DWU head coach, “and there’s nothing better than coming from behind.” “That’s what she said,” came a disembodied voice from within the Wavy Dave mascot costume, stationed near the podium. “Good one, Dave,” said Waivers, who fistbumped the mascot while peering through its breathing hole.   “Is that a girl in there? Lewd jokes from a girl.   What a world we live in.” Waivers returned to the podium and continued, “I just wanted to give a shoutout to my defense, who held that rascal Howie to a season-low 85 points.   Not that you can play defense in fantasy, of course, but nevertheless.   And I want to call special attention to the new line of delicious...[Waivers narrowed his eyes and strained to read the hand-written card a student manager was hold