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The Waivers Wrap - Week 8

The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami Waiverton - The Fighting Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University extended their reign atop the Evanston/Skokie division of the Domer Conference by defeating Huskers Westgate Division leaders Skers on Saturday, 159-137.   Despite the absences of top RB TreVeyon Henderson and the early exit of Texas QB Quinn Ewers with a shoulder sprain, the Waves did just enough to earn the victory and move to 7-1. For a second straight week, however, a Waves win has become the subject of scrutiny within the CFF community.   Buzz around the league suggests the Waves have employed the illegal tactic of sign stealing via video recording equipment, specifically for use on defense and special teams.   Sources have confirmed to the Waivers Wrap that longtime BSI league commissioner Atpay Inermay has empowered investigators to seize computers from DWU's Chester Cheetah Athletics Complex, looking for evidence of a crime or cover-up.   "We resent the league's impl
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The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami

Waiverton - Waves fans everywhere were celebrating Saturday night as Dave Waivers University defeated its "Old Rival" 152-143, retaining the prestigious Danville Anvil trophy, unambiguously the single most coveted rivalry trophy in all of sports, real of fake.  At the final whistle, tens of thousands of inebriated hillbillies spilled onto the turf, a sweating, writhing proletarian mass, jubilant in its ecstasy, chugging homemade corn distillate, and lobbing bottles of its urine at the exiting Wintergreens!! players and staff.   "This one is for our fans!" screamed Dave Waivers University head football coach Dave Waivers in his on-field interview with ESPN's Holly Rowe.  "And also for our players, our coaches, our staff, our backroom staff, Nils Bagman and his player retention team, and our friends in the desert, who seem to know more than they should about Wintergreens U sidelines signaling." After politely refusing several mouthfuls of unidentif
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Week 4 - The Waivers Wrap by Sue Nami

Dave Waivers University suffered its first setback of the season on Saturday, losing a heartbreaker to rival W. Byron Rostersmith University, 190-172.  "It's tough to score 172 and lose, fourth highest score in the league this week," lamented Dave Waivers University Head Coach Dave Waivers, "I feel like these games have been closer than they should be, so I've fired my entire defensive staff, and already hired a new one."   Waivers intuition is a good one; stats show DWU has surrendered more points to opposing offenses than any other team in the league.   "I guess it's not nothin' to have played the hardest schedule, but you got these other crumb bums floating around the league winning games without breaking 100.   Muuuuust beeeeee niiiiiice," Waivers finished in his characteristic drawl. Though loathe to place blame on the program's winningest coach, this reporter plucked up the courage to point out that on the last two plays of
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The Waivers Wrap - Week 3

  Week 3 - THE WAIVERS WRAP - By Sue Nami Upper Crustington, MA - Dave Waivers University moved to 3-0 Saturday night on the back of its high-flying offense, outpacing bitter rival Clashmore Mike College 186-179.   The Fightin' Blue Waves narrowly missed out on topping the league in scoring for a second consecutive week, finishing second only behind Name Too Divine University (190 points).   With Wavey Dave--DWU's anthropomorphic blue wave mascot--suspended for the contest after miming urinating on the CMC logo with blue Mountain Dew at halftime of last year's contest, university officials opted to allow head coach Dave Waivers to substitute his Bluetick Coonhound, Clete, in the mascot role.   According to longsuffering Sports Information Director Landry Collins, the move is not unprecedented. DWU's teams played under the nickname Smellhounds until the 1940s, and even today the university will occasionally resurrect the mascot whenever tsunami-related devastation do
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Week 2 - THE WAIVERS WRAP - By Sue Nami

Waiverton - With the offense firing on all cylinders, the Fightin' Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University moved to 2-0, defeating the Gnus of New Guy University 179-168. Their 179 points led the league in scoring, a feat seeming all but impossible after struggling to put points on the board during Week 1. "One of my heroes, Lou Holtz, always said you improve the most between your first two games," said head coach Dave Waivers at his post-game press conference. "And then he also said a bunch of other things that I won't repeat because I don't wanna end up in racial sensitivity training again, ok let's move on." The Waves were led by the 60 points scored by the quarterbacking combo of Quinn Ewers of Texas and Oregon's Bo Nix, and got 26 points from Michigan's D/ST. "We're gonna keep riding the Wolverines on D because they've basically been gifted a one-game season by sycophantic conference schedulers. It's a disgrace to the s
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The Waivers Wrap Week 1 - By Sue Name

  THE WAIVERS WRAP - By Sue Nami Biffton - As the final whistle sounded in Biffton Stadium Saturday night, a jubilant Dave Waivers University (1-0) head coach Dave Waivers sprinted over to the visitor's section to celebrate with his travelling faithful.   Grabbing the drum major's baton and shoving the hapless nerd to the ground, Waivers climbed the stepladder and directed the DWU band in a rendition of the school's famous War Hymn , before taking a long swig from a concealed hip flask. "It's the greatest of days to be the fightin' blue waves," said Waivers into the microphone at his post-game presser.   Waivers remained visibly excited despite having been shunted into a tiny basement back room in the bowels of Biffton Stadium for his press conference, with scalding, fetid graywater dripping onto the press table from rusted pipes only six inches above his head.   "Ahh, it's not big deal.   The Biffs put me back here because they're sore ab
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The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami

The disappearance of Dave Waivers University Head Coach Dave Waivers has been the only talk of town the past few weeks, with fans across the WaiveNation worrying over the whereabouts of the iconic coach.  After vanishing a month ago following the Fighting Blue Waves 1-point loss to the Name Too Divine Tech Saints, Waivers re-emerged this week to lead his troops to a 166-115 trouncing of the University of Earl at Pickswell Earls to claim the annual Wayneshead Trophy.   When pressed by reporters what could have justified a leave of absence of that length in the middle of the football season--a span that saw the Waves lose four consecutive games--Waivers merely remarked about the "coming apocalyptic moment in college football" where "only teams who have prepared themselves to do what is necessary to survive" will remain competitive, while everyone else will find themselves "playing the part of the proverbial whipping boy." Though he refused to comment on his
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