The Waivers Wrap - Week 3

 

Week 3 - THE WAIVERS WRAP - By Sue Nami

Upper Crustington, MA - Dave Waivers University moved to 3-0 Saturday night on the back of its high-flying offense, outpacing bitter rival Clashmore Mike College 186-179.  The Fightin' Blue Waves narrowly missed out on topping the league in scoring for a second consecutive week, finishing second only behind Name Too Divine University (190 points). 

With Wavey Dave--DWU's anthropomorphic blue wave mascot--suspended for the contest after miming urinating on the CMC logo with blue Mountain Dew at halftime of last year's contest, university officials opted to allow head coach Dave Waivers to substitute his Bluetick Coonhound, Clete, in the mascot role.  According to longsuffering Sports Information Director Landry Collins, the move is not unprecedented. DWU's teams played under the nickname Smellhounds until the 1940s, and even today the university will occasionally resurrect the mascot whenever tsunami-related devastation dominates the news cycle, rendering the Blue Wave politically unpalatable.  Though the 15 year-old Clete mostly slept in a locked crate away from the non-White players on both teams, he briefly caused an uproar among the Vineyard Vines Stadium faithful at his feeding time when he escaped his confines and set about vigorously humping Terry the Terrier IV.

It was far from the only controversial incident between the teams.  In the third quarter, DWU quarterback Texas' Quinn Ewers was pelted with empty Armagnac bottles, leading to a black eye.  In the fourth quarter, seniors in the Vineyard Vines student body section reached over the stanchion and grabbed a gigantic "Dave Digs Coal" flag from a passing male cheerleader.  The cheerleader waded into the student body to get it back, and returned to the field soaked in champagne and pine nut hummus.  Finally, Clete died of old age immediately following the humping incident. 

Head Coach Dave Waivers was unavailable for his regular postgame presser, as he and Ned Tweed remained locked in a staring contest at midfield for several hours.  As of press time, they were still there. 

The Waves look to remain unbeaten this week against cross-divisional rival, the W. Byron Rostersmith Smiths.  Kickoff is at 10:30 PM, Malabar Coast time.

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