Week 4 - The Waivers Wrap by Sue Nami

Dave Waivers University suffered its first setback of the season on Saturday, losing a heartbreaker to rival W. Byron Rostersmith University, 190-172. 

"It's tough to score 172 and lose, fourth highest score in the league this week," lamented Dave Waivers University Head Coach Dave Waivers, "I feel like these games have been closer than they should be, so I've fired my entire defensive staff, and already hired a new one." 

Waivers intuition is a good one; stats show DWU has surrendered more points to opposing offenses than any other team in the league.  "I guess it's not nothin' to have played the hardest schedule, but you got these other crumb bums floating around the league winning games without breaking 100.  Muuuuust beeeeee niiiiiice," Waivers finished in his characteristic drawl.

Though loathe to place blame on the program's winningest coach, this reporter plucked up the courage to point out that on the last two plays of the game, DWU was not fielding a full squad.  Coach Waivers was not forthcoming with his response, instead mumbling into his all new Hard Mountain Dew Bullseye Beef Broth Bonanza about "communication errors on the sidelines," and so as of press time it remains a mystery as to why Rostersmith's game winning drive took place without a Blue Waves player in the Flex spot.

In other news, Byron Rostersmith's postgame interview on the field took a bizarre twist when was asked about the performance of wide receiver Xavier Legette's 43 point performance.  Instead of praising his player, Rostersmith chose to go on an extended rant about disparaging pregame comments made by an addled, 105 year old Waivers fan, who is a noted racist and blowhard.  Rostersmith, who prefaced his remarks by screaming at the interviewer that he drives a Dodge Stratus, was unavailable to the press after the game because as he was too busy crying in front of a mirror repeatedly telling his reflection he's good and worthy and tough enough.

The Blue Waves will look to get back on the winning side of the ledger against divisional rival Howie Koachemup.  The E-Town Beatdown will kick off at 8pm Walvis Bay time.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

The Waivers Wrap Week 1 - By Sue Name

  THE WAIVERS WRAP - By Sue Nami Biffton - As the final whistle sounded in Biffton Stadium Saturday night, a jubilant Dave Waivers University (1-0) head coach Dave Waivers sprinted over to the visitor's section to celebrate with his travelling faithful.   Grabbing the drum major's baton and shoving the hapless nerd to the ground, Waivers climbed the stepladder and directed the DWU band in a rendition of the school's famous War Hymn , before taking a long swig from a concealed hip flask. "It's the greatest of days to be the fightin' blue waves," said Waivers into the microphone at his post-game presser.   Waivers remained visibly excited despite having been shunted into a tiny basement back room in the bowels of Biffton Stadium for his press conference, with scalding, fetid graywater dripping onto the press table from rusted pipes only six inches above his head.   "Ahh, it's not big deal.   The Biffs put me back here because they're sore ab
Read more

The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami

Waiverton - Waves fans everywhere were celebrating Saturday night as Dave Waivers University defeated its "Old Rival" 152-143, retaining the prestigious Danville Anvil trophy, unambiguously the single most coveted rivalry trophy in all of sports, real of fake.  At the final whistle, tens of thousands of inebriated hillbillies spilled onto the turf, a sweating, writhing proletarian mass, jubilant in its ecstasy, chugging homemade corn distillate, and lobbing bottles of its urine at the exiting Wintergreens!! players and staff.   "This one is for our fans!" screamed Dave Waivers University head football coach Dave Waivers in his on-field interview with ESPN's Holly Rowe.  "And also for our players, our coaches, our staff, our backroom staff, Nils Bagman and his player retention team, and our friends in the desert, who seem to know more than they should about Wintergreens U sidelines signaling." After politely refusing several mouthfuls of unidentif
Read more

The Waivers Wrap - Week 3

  Week 3 - THE WAIVERS WRAP - By Sue Nami Upper Crustington, MA - Dave Waivers University moved to 3-0 Saturday night on the back of its high-flying offense, outpacing bitter rival Clashmore Mike College 186-179.   The Fightin' Blue Waves narrowly missed out on topping the league in scoring for a second consecutive week, finishing second only behind Name Too Divine University (190 points).   With Wavey Dave--DWU's anthropomorphic blue wave mascot--suspended for the contest after miming urinating on the CMC logo with blue Mountain Dew at halftime of last year's contest, university officials opted to allow head coach Dave Waivers to substitute his Bluetick Coonhound, Clete, in the mascot role.   According to longsuffering Sports Information Director Landry Collins, the move is not unprecedented. DWU's teams played under the nickname Smellhounds until the 1940s, and even today the university will occasionally resurrect the mascot whenever tsunami-related devastation do
Read more