The Waivers Wrap Week 1 - By Sue Name

 

THE WAIVERS WRAP - By Sue Nami

Biffton - As the final whistle sounded in Biffton Stadium Saturday night, a jubilant Dave Waivers University (1-0) head coach Dave Waivers sprinted over to the visitor's section to celebrate with his travelling faithful.  Grabbing the drum major's baton and shoving the hapless nerd to the ground, Waivers climbed the stepladder and directed the DWU band in a rendition of the school's famous War Hymn, before taking a long swig from a concealed hip flask.

"It's the greatest of days to be the fightin' blue waves," said Waivers into the microphone at his post-game presser.  Waivers remained visibly excited despite having been shunted into a tiny basement back room in the bowels of Biffton Stadium for his press conference, with scalding, fetid graywater dripping onto the press table from rusted pipes only six inches above his head.  "Ahh, it's not big deal.  The Biffs put me back here because they're sore about me taking the new Keenan Knight trophy back to Waiverton tonight."

The trophy, named for Brig. Gen. Donall "Babe" Keenan--who coached both UOB and DWU to national titles in the 1910s--takes the form of an 8 ft. tall steel suit of medieval armor holding a crystal football emblazoned with the phrase, "I won. I'm the winner."  The previous rivalry trophy, a bronzed spittoon once owned by Keenan, was sent to the College Football Hall of Fame for preservation and display.

"Now, as most of you know, we liquidated our entire roster from last year along with the English and Spanish departments on campus.  Now I can't say I love everything about the new normal in college football, but we did hit the portal real hard and got a whole new squad, and with the money the university saved in faculty salary we hired a director of player retention and a 20-person staff for him.  In fact, he's here tonight, and I'd like him to stand up." 

Waivers then introduced his new employee, Nils Bagman, a former time share condo salesman and small time racketeer, who, upon introduction, grabbed this reporter's hand, kissed it gently, and whispered something unfit to print.

"Nils will be looking out for the boys, so they're not exploited, and make sure they get what's coming their way.  Incidentally, this seems like the right time to mention that I'm no longer packin' burbon in old Bear Bryant here," he said as he holding up his hip flask and shaking it a little. "I'm now really into this new Hard Mountain Dew Wango Mango adult soda beverage."  Waivers then took another long pull of the flourescent orange liquid and belched into the microphone, "that's a party." 

The Fightin' Blue Waves make their home debut versus the New Guy Gnus this Saturday, with kickoff slated for Noon, Greenwich Mean Time.

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