The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami

The disappearance of Dave Waivers University Head Coach Dave Waivers has been the only talk of town the past few weeks, with fans across the WaiveNation worrying over the whereabouts of the iconic coach.  After vanishing a month ago following the Fighting Blue Waves 1-point loss to the Name Too Divine Tech Saints, Waivers re-emerged this week to lead his troops to a 166-115 trouncing of the University of Earl at Pickswell Earls to claim the annual Wayneshead Trophy.  

When pressed by reporters what could have justified a leave of absence of that length in the middle of the football season--a span that saw the Waves lose four consecutive games--Waivers merely remarked about the "coming apocalyptic moment in college football" where "only teams who have prepared themselves to do what is necessary to survive" will remain competitive, while everyone else will find themselves "playing the part of the proverbial whipping boy."

Though he refused to comment on his exact whereabouts, cryptic remarks at the press conference strongly suggest a months-long sojourn somewhere in the Middle East.  Bizarre references to DWU "pulling a Man City or a Newcastle"--English soccer teams in recent years purchased by, and subsequently filled by cash from, autocratic Gulf petrostates, were followed up with stray remarks about how human rights reflect a Western imperialist bias, the necessity of giving OPEC a free hand to set crude prices, and "tapping into reservoirs of wealth that the Texas oilmen [emphasis his] could only dream of."  Similarly out of place was his expression of a seemingly newfound desire for a "decent halal place in Waiverton."

FOIAed university records indicate DWU's contract with PepsiCo will expire end at the end of the current fiscal year, and there is open speculation about whether athletic director Hollis Broussard will reup with PepsiCo or seek greener pastures elsewhere.  Speaking on the condition of anonymity, an athletic department official indicated to The Wrap an openness to overtures made by "certain conglomerates keen to burnish their reputation in western markets by acquiring and promoting big name sports brands."  Sports Information Director Landry Collins issued a "no comment" statement when asked directly about whether the "sportswashing" trend happening in Europe's highest sports echelons could come to college fantasy football, but did state that Waves fans should "keep an open mind about any potential new partners before they judge," and asked whether the fans "wanted to win or not."

The Waves will battle for the coveted Danville Anvil against archrivals Wintergreens!! this Saturday beginning at 1PM Halifax time.





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