The Waivers Wrap - Week 8

The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami

Waiverton - The Fighting Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University extended their reign atop the Evanston/Skokie division of the Domer Conference by defeating Huskers Westgate Division leaders Skers on Saturday, 159-137.  Despite the absences of top RB TreVeyon Henderson and the early exit of Texas QB Quinn Ewers with a shoulder sprain, the Waves did just enough to earn the victory and move to 7-1.

For a second straight week, however, a Waves win has become the subject of scrutiny within the CFF community.  Buzz around the league suggests the Waves have employed the illegal tactic of sign stealing via video recording equipment, specifically for use on defense and special teams.  Sources have confirmed to the Waivers Wrap that longtime BSI league commissioner Atpay Inermay has empowered investigators to seize computers from DWU's Chester Cheetah Athletics Complex, looking for evidence of a crime or cover-up. 

"We resent the league's implication that we're cheating.  But as a show of good faith, I'm sitting the Michigan D/ST this week," said DWU head coach Dave Waivers at his postgame press conference.  "Plus, they're on a bye."

"We will be conducting a very thorough, exclusively in-house, investigation into these serious allegations.  All the liars and haters are going to owe us an apology--from the top of the league on down.  Sign stealing ain't against the rules, and if the way we did it--allegedly!--broke the rule, then the rule is bad and deserves to be broken.  And also every other team does it, too.  So, basically, what I'm saying is that we're innocent of breaking a bad rule everyone breaks.  Waves against the World!," Waivers finished, slamming down a bottle of the all new Diet Hard Mountain Dew Rare Old Mountain Dew, splashing its contents across the podium. 

Follow up questions elicited little substantive response, with an indignant Waivers eventually choosing to lapse into an unbroken monologue of inane coach patter and rhetorical questioning.  "This is just adversity, and we've got to overcome it," said Waivers. "How? By believing in ourselves.  How?  Grinding.  How?  By taking it play by play.  We've got the will, but do we have the want-to?"  Eventually the majority of the press corps drifted out the conference room, leaving Waivers standing at the podium reciting text taken from old Successories posters, and joined only by the silent figure of Wavy Dave--DWU's googly-eyed, anthropomorphic wave mascot--slowly waving from side to side.

The Waves look to make it five wins in a row this Saturday, but must face a tough P-Team squad (5-3) without injured QB Quinn Ewers, top wide outs Malik Neighbors and Antonio Williams, and the much-maligned Michigan D/ST.  The game kicks off a 1pm, Barbados time. 

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