Week 2 - THE WAIVERS WRAP - By Sue Nami

Waiverton - With the offense firing on all cylinders, the Fightin' Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University moved to 2-0, defeating the Gnus of New Guy University 179-168. Their 179 points led the league in scoring, a feat seeming all but impossible after struggling to put points on the board during Week 1.

"One of my heroes, Lou Holtz, always said you improve the most between your first two games," said head coach Dave Waivers at his post-game press conference. "And then he also said a bunch of other things that I won't repeat because I don't wanna end up in racial sensitivity training again, ok let's move on."

The Waves were led by the 60 points scored by the quarterbacking combo of Quinn Ewers of Texas and Oregon's Bo Nix, and got 26 points from Michigan's D/ST. "We're gonna keep riding the Wolverines on D because they've basically been gifted a one-game season by sycophantic conference schedulers. It's a disgrace to the sport, but I ain't above milking it dry."

While the contest was a touch-and-go to the very end, DWU ultimately prevailed thanks to the hostile Waiverton Stadium environment. "You need three things to maintain home field advantage: one, a passionate fan base. Two, a passionate fan base whose been drinking in the parking lot since 6am. And 3, a passionate, extraordinarily drunken fanbase possessed of the artificial means to blind, deafen, or otherwise incapacitate the visiting team," said Waivers, referring to the 100,000 blue plastic "Shotgun Horns"--or "Hillybill Vuvuzelas"--caterwauling in deafening crescendo as the fourth quarter wound down. "I can't even hear your questions right now, darlin'. I'm only reading your lips, which is a skill my daddy taught me when he still thought I'd be spending my life blastin' mineshafts out of the rock.

This Waves travel to Vineyard Vines stadium this week in a highly-anticipated cross-division matchup of old rivals. Waivers and CMC head coach Ned Tweed have an acrimonious relationship, stretching back to when they were both grad assistants at the University of Earl - Pickswell. "That was the only year of my life I spent away from this campus, and Ned didn't do anything to make my stay up there any better. He was used to those foie gras and chardonnay parties, and I didn't speak a lick of French, besides. He fit in like a glove, while I stuck out like the sore thumb I was: a god-fearing, cattle rearing, sheep shearing, hillbilly from up yonder, who couldn't wait to be right back here like the Lord intended, wearing the royal blue."

The matchup kicks off this Saturday at 4pm Sao Paulo time.

 

 

 

 

 

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