The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami

 THE WAIVERS WRAP – By Sue Nami After having been narrowly pipped by 0.4 points in last month’s tilt against the BKCU, the Fightin’ Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University once again come up short on Saturday, falling to the Trolls, 186-170.    Head coach Dave Waivers was nowhere to be seen at his scheduled post-game press conference, but was replaced by a standup cardboard cutout of himself holding a bottle of Diet Mt. Dew Xtreme Blewberry Xplosion.   In front of the cutout sat a small speaker with a button, that, when pushed by reporters, emitted one of three pre-recorded statements in Waiver’s voice: “We didn’t play Waves football.” "We’ve got to coach better. Right now, it is what it is.” “Yet another starter was a ‘Did Not Play.’   Won’t someone think of the fantasy coaches?!” A fourth recording was simply a clip of Indianapolis Colts head coach Jim Mora’s famous “playoffs” rant.  While most reporters hastily lapped up Waivers pre-recorded st...

 THE WAIVERS WRAP – BY SUE NAMI Two weeks ago, the residents of Waiverton expressed their displeasure at DWU’s 2-6 record in an almost unconscionable act of defiance: by de-festooning their trees, houses, shops, and pets of their traditional seasonal royal blue streamers and garlands.   In light of the hometown team’s two game winning streak, however, the city has been re-festooned, and Dave Waivers University colors again wave happily everywhere in the autumn breeze.   Local retailers have noted the uptick in the general Waivertonian mood as well, especially as measured in DWU merchandise sales since the winning streak commenced.   Honus Grundy, an owner of sixteen stores in the WaveWorld franchise of 24-hour DWU clothing and memorabilia emporiums, noted that, “while [he] was down mostly to package liquor sales last week, it’s back to the normal grind of moving Dave Waivers sweatshirts, shot glasses, beer helmets, gun racks, and little stickers of Calvin peeing o...

 THE WIAVERS WRAP – By Sue Nami Despite the obvious signs of autumn spreading across the Dave Waivers University Campus, it is spring that has noticeably returned to the step of DWU head football coach Dave Waivers after the Fightin’ Blue Waves 154-119 victory over divisional rival the University of Earl at Pickswell.   “Just happy for the guys to get a win.   Happy for this program. Happy for the boosters, I mean fans. And especially happy to be holding the prototype of the new ice cold Diet Mt Dew Fightin’ Blue Watermelon Wave, now the official soft drink of the Dave Waivers University football program.” Waivers then downed the entire 16 oz. plastic bottle of the neon blue soda, and splashed the last few ounces over his face before belching, “highly crashable.” As the press conference unfolded, it was clear to the media that Waivers was experiencing a kind of manic episode that could not be explained wholly by the experimental levels of sugar and caffeine in the...