The Waivers Wrap - Week 9

 THE WIAVERS WRAP – By Sue Nami

Despite the obvious signs of autumn spreading across the Dave Waivers University Campus, it is spring that has noticeably returned to the step of DWU head football coach Dave Waivers after the Fightin’ Blue Waves 154-119 victory over divisional rival the University of Earl at Pickswell. 

“Just happy for the guys to get a win.  Happy for this program. Happy for the boosters, I mean fans. And especially happy to be holding the prototype of the new ice cold Diet Mt Dew Fightin’ Blue Watermelon Wave, now the official soft drink of the Dave Waivers University football program.”

Waivers then downed the entire 16 oz. plastic bottle of the neon blue soda, and splashed the last few ounces over his face before belching, “highly crashable.”

As the press conference unfolded, it was clear to the media that Waivers was experiencing a kind of manic episode that could not be explained wholly by the experimental levels of sugar and caffeine in the soda.  Lighting successive cigarettes off of previous ones, Waivers never paused throughout an expulsive, if not giddy, diatribe that stretched beyond 40 minutes and ranged from topics as disconnected as injustice of Cincinnati’s ranking in the new CFP, the difference in taste between unfiltered and filtered Lucky Strikes, and the most adequate way to cover a tattoo of the name of an ex-lover. 

Finally tiring, Waivers took a seat at the table, and, the accumulated weight of this season’s six losses having been exorcized, passed out.  He could be heard muttering the words of the fight song in his sleep as SID Landry Collins covered him in a blanket.

The Waves finish the regular season against the 3rd-lowest scoring team in the league, the Name Too Devine University Saints (3-6), who finished at the bottom of the Ralston and Philip division of the Huskers Conference.  Kickoff is slated for 10am Mountain Time.

Comments

  1. WintergreensNovember 4, 2021 at 11:20 AM

    Waivers must really be out of it - playoffs don't start until week 11. Week ten is (an now meanlingless) out of conference game.

    ReplyDelete
  2. UnknownNovember 5, 2021 at 1:17 PM

    The was no joy in Pickswell…

    ReplyDelete

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