Found Some More Old Waivers Wraps

 These are from the back half of the 2019 season:

 

THE WAIVERS WRAP – BY SUE NAMI

The Fightin’ Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University moved one step closer to winning the school’s first title on Saturday. With no night games on the slate, DWU watched West Coast Huskers grow closer and closer, as QB Jalen Hurts carved up the Baylor defense in the second half.

“I was just sitting in the clubhouse there at the end, chainsmoking my Luckies,” said a visibly relieved DWU head coach Dave Waivers. “I felt like Phil, praying Tiger wouldn’t make that last putt.”

In the end, however, WCHU couldn’t match the 185 points Waivers had already banked. DWU benefitted by getting 70 points from the starting running backs, as well as inspiration from a pre-game locker room pep talk by Kenny Chesney.

 “We preach intangibles to our kids,” said Waivers, “along with character, grit, determination, belief, momentum, and not catching the flu all at the same time.”

With a top four finish now guaranteed, Waves faithful will turn their attention to generating extra income to buy playoff tickets.  As in the past, Waiverton blood banks are expected to be full-to-bursting, and its street corners dotted with ramshackle vendor stands peddling moonshine, antique firearms, highly-polished woodcuts featuring airbrushed pictures of Native Americans with howling wolves superimposed over the top of them, and varieties of fresh game meat jerky.

As for the semi-final matchup itself, DWU will seek revenge for its loss in the E-Town Beatdown just a few weeks ago. “We want that trophy back,“ said Coach Waivers, expertly spitting a wad of chew into a brass spittoon eight feet away.

“And even though league rules stipulate it’s a regular-season trophy only, and not up for grabs in this game, we want it nevertheless. Even if it ends us being bribed or stolen back from Howie Koachemup.”

He then winked very deliberately and mouthed the words “boosters” in obvious fashion.

The semi-final kicks off at noon on Saturday.

 

THE WAIVERS WRAP – BY SUE NAMI

Dave Waivers will not play for the league title next week, falling in the national semifinal to Howie Koachemup, 182-135.

In one of the worst offensive performances of the season, Waivers got sub-double digit performances from four starters, including zero points from top scoring receiver Dazz Newsome of North Carolina.

 “Zero points,” croaked a hoarse and possibly inebriated Dave Waivers University head coach Dave Waivers. “Zero points from a guy who scores more than 30 more often than not. And why?”

“He got suspended for oversleeping and being late to a meeting. Did we get advanced word of this? Nope. Even though I did my due diligence just before the noon kickoffs and everything was hunky-dory up and down the lineup.”

When a reporter tried to ask another question, Waivers continued as if he had not heard. “And who does Mack Brown think he is with these suspensions? What?, all of a sudden he’s trying to establish some kind of hard ass persona? The man’s 80 if he’s a day.”

 “He probably only took the job because his wife wanted him out of the house. And let me tell you this,” Waivers stammered, “He suspended him for a game against Mercer. Takes real balls, Mack, suspending a guy for the Mercer game.”

Waivers then grabbed his own crotch in an obscene manner, and accidentally knocked a soda bottle off the podium. As he bent to retrieve it, he could be heard to say, “oh, right, the contract.”

After standing back up, he took a long swig of the Mountain Dew Ice Xtreme Artic Blast, and said as he belched, “that’s extreme.”

Bad luck also struck DWU in the cases of Deshaunte Jones of Iowa State, who scored 12 points in the first quarter before being carted off with an injury, Najee Harris, who was shut down early in Alabama’s blowout of Western Carolina, and kicker Cameron Dicker, who has the misfortune of playing for Texas.

DWU will play for third place this Saturday against old foe Clashmore Mike. The two teams and their respective fanbases have historically not gotten along.

 “Let me tell you this about that,” said Waivers, wrapping up his media appearance. “Sure those bluebloods up there might have more money than us, might have better health outcomes, better education outcomes, have lower crime and divorce rates, cleaner air and water, more democratic participation, more job opportunities, are demonstrably less sexist and racist, and they keep afloat all the federal welfare systems that make our continued existence even possible. But we got something they don’t got: gumption. And that’s going to get us across that line.”

 

THE WAIVERS WRAP – By Sue Nami

Dave Waivers University finished off the season in third place, defeating an overmatched CMC 166-116. Though still smarting from a semi-final loss, Waivers controlled the game despite QB Jaime Newman’s dismal sub-1 pt. showing.

 “I’m not happy to watch Howie Koachemup take the title, but I give him public credit because as a coach I’m not going to saying anything about another coach,” said DWU head coach Dave Waivers.  We all rely on an omerta-style code of silence to keep our jobs as long as possible.”

Changing subjects abruptly, Coach Waivers turned his attention to game. “Even though we landed in third place, I’m still happy that my kids got to take some kind of trophy back to campus.”

The trophy, which Waivers himself comissionioned after the game, has neither been sanctioned by the league, nor been recognized as legitimate by Clashmore Mike College.

Consisting in a 18 inch-tall chrome statue of the cartoon character Calvin peeing on a Ford logo, the trophy lacks any reference to the name of the league or to third place.  Moreover, someone clumsily pasted a CMC sticker over the word “Ford.”

 “I had my friend Earl make this, even though he normally works customizing choppers. Looks pretty sharp, don’t it?” Waivers asked reporters, as he patted the statue on its head.

The off-season will be crucial to a Waivers team desperate to prove themselves worthy of next year’s title. Even though league rules stipulate a complete roster turnover each year, and Waivers has elected to fire his entire defensive staff again,  the coach remains upbeat about his chances. “I coach to win. You take mine, I’ll beat you. You gimme yours, I’ll beat you, too. He gives me theirs—that’s a win for me. Two other guys switch rosters, I’ll get in there somehow and win that one.”

The Fightin’ Blue Waves will have the 5th pick in next year’s draft.