Old Waivers Wraps
I'm trying to archive old Waivers Wraps, but it seems like the first season, as rich with satisfying detail as it was, is completely lost. The files aren't anywhere I normally store files, so it appears they've vanished like proverbial tears in the rain.
I did manage to scrounge some of last season's idiosyncratic work (owning to the pandemic), but there still seems to be chunks missing. Oh, well. Here's what I could find:
1.) The Waivers Wrap – By Sue Nami
The Fightin’ Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University are more than ready
for the start of the 2020 fantasy season.
Tonight’s draft will signal the start of the 10th year of Waves
football in the program’s illustrious 135 year history.
Flanked by Sports information director Landry Collins and Athletic Director
Hollis Broussard, head coach Dave Waivers opened Tuesday’s preseason press
conference at the Diet Mt. Dew Xtreme Pink Grapefruit PuckerPunch Sports
Complex in unusual style—with a rendition of the university fight song.
“Now, you may notice we have some guests,” Coach Waivers told the
assembled press corps, who were smashed together in a corner of the complex’s
media room to make room for the marching band, cheering squad, and “Wavey
Dave”, the school’s 12-foot anthropomorphic wave mascot, in clear violation of
the school’s masking and social distancing protocols. “Since we don’t have a roster to discuss quite
yet, I thought I’d fill time by extolling the virtues of our school, our
program, and it’s many and varied traditions, in case any recruits are watching.”
With a small gesture toward DWU band director Atticus Dixon, the
marching band stuck up a deafening rendition of the university fight song,
which set into motion the cheerleaders and Wavey Dave, who began imploring
media members to do the wave. Coach
Waivers could be heard shouting the words to the song over its famous
slow-building tempo:
“On the banks of the old Otuatoochee, stands a school that’s fair and
true
Let all proclaim her glorious name, and boldly wave her royal blue
Rah! Rah! Rah!
Hail Varsity! Hail Varsity!
Waves crash right through that line
Beat U! Beat State! Beat Tech! Beat Greens!
We will conquer every time
Sis! Boom! Bah!
All her foe-men fear the name that we so proudly toast
And with our box formation
The Anvil will be ours to boast
Hike! Hike! Hike!
Keechee-karoo Keeche-Karoo
Cheechaw-Cheechaw, Hullabaloo!
Weewah Cheechaw Weewah Rah Rah
Rootin’ Tootin’ Rah! Rah! Rah!
The waves will fight with all of their might
Fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight
Fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight
Fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight
Fight fight fight fight fight fight fight fight
Fight!”
By the end of the song, Waivers was standing on the podium with his
hands raised in the characteristic “W” salute of the Waves faithful. “Greatest fight song in the land,” he breathed.
(This is no hyperbole. The Dave
Waivers University Fight Song is highly regarded in collegiate circles, and was
even called “the perfect fight song” by Stanford University sociologist Greg
Stempf in his seminal book, When We
Cheered Them On: A History of the Music of American College Sports. “The DWU fight song stands alone among its
peers,” Stempf wrote in 1998, “because it features all of the ‘Big Four’ classic
fight song ingredients we scholars look for: First, it’s football specific, making
it a poor fit when played at all of the school’s non-football sporting events. Second, it brags about the team’s use of an obsolete
football formation that has no bearing on the contemporary game. Third, it namechecks a specific interschool
rivalry, making it awkward to sing at all of the other games not featuring the
rival school. And finally, it employs a
truly outstanding example of 1920s collegiate gibberish, which I believe was
originally an attempt to mimic the sounds of Native American speech. That period in our nation’s history was
marked by romantic infatuation with Indian lore, which may also help explain
why the original mascot of DWU teams was the ‘Savage’.”)
Dismounting the podium, Waivers took a long, slow swig of the
phosphorescent yellow Diet Mt. Dew Demon Lemon, and then belched, “That’ll Dew
Ya.’”
He then abruptly exited the press conference, directing all questions
to SID Collins.
The Waves open this Saturday at 11am (ET).
“We owe it to our defense, who really stepped up. We decided to start Texas A&M’s DST at
the last minute, and the ol’ Wrecking Crew ended up holding NGU to just 40
points,” said Waivers at his post-game press conference. “Granted, that’s not how fantasy football
scoring works, but still.”
Waivers tied his team’s victory to a particularly vociferous pre-game
pep talk of his, during which he directed considerable ire towards ESPN College
Gameday celebrity picker Ian Zearing, a NGU alum. The actor had earlier that morning shocked
the live crowd gathered for the game by picking the underdog Gnus to win, even
going so far as to “throw down” the iconic “W” hand sign beloved by Waivers
faithful and remarking in an obviously affected southern accent, “the Blue
Waves are gonna crash out of this one, Gnus by 40. Stone.”
“I used Zearing’s disrespect to go on a rather extended tirade about
Hollywood-types who want to put down our team, our fanbase, and our way of
life,” said Waivers between sips of the new Diet Mt. Dew Agent Orange. “But sounds like he got what was coming to
him.”
According to sources, Zearing was apparently confronted by a contingent
of angry Waves fans as he dismounted the Game Day stage, and was later
discovered behind the chemistry building near his parked car, impaled on what
appears to be the same flagpole used to fly the Waivers flag that appears in the
background of every College Gameday live show.
Zearing was rushed to nearby Sinai Hospital and remains in serious, but
stable condition. No arrests were made.
Police are also looking into his reports that Zearing’s dog was killed
at his home in Reseda, CA.
The Waves’ win came despite missing their first string QB to injury,
and their top running back, wide receiver, and tight end to byes. With byes also affecting the second and third
string QBs this week, head coach Dave Waivers was forced to trade talented
running back J. Ealy of Ole Miss to rival Wintergreens! U for P. Jurkovec of
Boston College.
“Our RB room is deep and we can’t seem to field a QB, so it made
sense. Didn’t want to especially do it,
but this university is committed to winning.”
This week, the Fightin’ Blue Waves travel to Clashmore Mike College to
take on a Terriers team that beat Wintergreens! In a tight opening weekend
matchup.
"I never like travelling up there if I can
help it. The people aren't friendly, the food is bland, and you can't hardly
find my Marlboro Golds anywhere. But I don't make the schedule I just have to
play it."
3.) The Waivers Wrap – By Sue Nami
Dave Waivers University fell to rival Clashmore Mike College this past
weekend, 154-95. The Waves 59-point loss
is among the worst in recent program history.
“I never throw players under the bus because the buck stops with me,”
said a disconsolate Dave Waivers head coach Dave Waivers at his postgame press
conference. “That said, it’s hard to
compete with basically zero wide receiver production at all, and a kicker who
selfishly chooses to miss field goals.
Those specific players—who I won’t name because, again, the bus thing,
though their names and statistics are publically available and I encourage you
to look those kids up—are going to be run this week until they puke up their
salt tablets.”
Yet it was not only the waning wide receiver production that resulted
in certain defeat. The game was
unusually violent, owning to the untoward posturing of the CMC team. More to the point, DWU players were dismayed to
arrive at Vineyard Vines Stadium on Wednesday evening for their walk through, only
to be told they would have to spend 48 hours in quarantine due to local
statutes.
Waivers U SID Landry Collins issued a statement on Thursday, explaining
the team’s predicament. “We are trapped here like a treed possum. They told us anyone coming from further south
than Baltimore had to quarantine and be subject to testing. We spent last night on the floor of the
campus dressage arena without cots, blankets, nothing. Tonight will be the same.”
Later reached for comment, AD Hollis Brussard said, “they had us
trapped like a treed possum.”
At the end of his press conference, Dave Waivers made mention of the
same. “I don’t ever make excuses, but
sleeping on concrete without my waterbed and my Tammy next to me the night
before a game, didn’t leave me in the right frame of mind to coach so
well. They had us trapped up in there
like treed possums.”
“Do the Dew,” he added.
The Fightin’ Blue Waves hope to make it two wins from three at home on
Saturday against W. Byron Rostersmith U.
4.) The Waivers Wrap – By Sue Nami
The result of last Saturday’s game against Rostersmith U remains
shrouded in mystery after Waverton Stadium’s new multi-jumbotron scoreboard system
lost power shortly before kickoff. Both
coaching staffs decided to play the game as scheduled, despite knowing there
was no way to keep score in real time.
“It’s 2020, what do you expect?,” said a disappointed Dave Waivers
University head football coach Dave Waivers.
“We’re going to have to wait until the power comes back to find out who won.”
The malfunction came as a shock to DWU athletic director Hollis
Broussard, who had “put in a few calls to a few friends of the program and
managed to secure about $50 million in PPP funds to buy the new
jumbotrons.” Broussard, clad in a pressed
seersucker suit, royal blue cravat, and checkered straw boater, leaned on his
cane and remarked through clouds of cigar smoke, “you pay that much for the
so-called Cadillac of video board scoring systems, you expect results.”
Documents obtained through a FOIA request by Global Holdings (a
wholly-owned subsidiary of the Gestalt Group, a PepsiCo corporation) which owns
the Waivers Wrap publication, showed that cost of the state-of-the-art complex
of jumbotron boards—which fully wrap around Waiverton Stadium at both the field
and mezzanine levels—cost over $80 million.
Internal university records show the additional $30 million was siphoned
from the budget of the Humanities Department, which now employs only a single
philosopher and historian, who teach all intro and advanced courses in their
respective disciplines.
Questioned as to whether scoring would resume for the important
upcoming rivalry contest this weekend against Biff Draftenheimer, coach Waivers
demurred. “Hollis assures me we’re going
ahead with the game, and in any case my job’s just to coach ‘em.” He then took a slow and thoughtful swig of
the new Diet Mt. Dew Maple Mountie Madness.
“I’m just focused on bringing the Keenan Knight trophy home. We already don’t got many fans in the seats,
except for the donors and their families, and various corporate friends and
their people. And if we gotta play in
the dark, too, well, let’s just make the best of a bad situation.”
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