The Waivers Wrap - Week 1

 

The Waivers Wrap – By Sue Nami

The Dave Waivers University Fighting Blue Waves slouched to a 170-149 season-opening loss to division rival Biff Draftenheimer.  Despite 30+ point performances from Miss St. RB Jo’quavious Marks and Notre Dame TE Michael Mayer, QB scoring deficits caused by individual matchups against the defenses of Alabama, LSU, and OSU resulted in the Waves’ loss. 

Despite the setback, DWU head coach Dave Waivers opened his post-game press conference in high spirits.  When an unidentified and uncredentialed reporter wearing DWU grounds crew apparel asked him about his team’s execution, Waivers hastily blurted out “I’m in favor of executing them!”  He then mimed giving a high-five to the reporter, who returned the gesture before excusing himself from the room. 

“Good ol’ Gene,” Waivers then said, seemingly to himself.  He then took a long swig of new Diet Mt. Dew Blue Fiesta Blizzard and belched, “that’s the ice that brings the spice.”

Further reporter questioning found Waivers on the back foot, struggling to defend lineup choices that netted few points.  “Hey, no one has a colder coaching seat than me, the guy whose name is on the school.  I’m not going to sweat an early-season loss we can learn from.”

When pressed about the case of stalwart kicker Jake Oldroyd, who as a late scratch for BYU scored no points, Waivers because visibly agitated.  Whipping off his iconic aviator shades and lighting a new Lucky Strike off the dying cherry of the previous one, Waivers demanded to know why the reporter “want(ed) to pin that decision on [him]?” 

“Coach Sitake’s out there in Provo, he’s shrouded his program in complete mystery, holding players out for god-knows what sorta inane rules violation.  Maybe the kid didn’t shave close enough or wear his secret Mormon underwear the right way, I don’t know.  Don’t put that on me.”

At the mention of Mormonism, perennially put-upon DWU sports information director Landry Collins launched himself at the microphone and interrupted, “what coach means is that we at DWU are tolerant of all religious professions and that every coach retains the exclusive right to make player personnel decisions, which we respect without qualification.  No further questions for coach.”

Waivers was shortly thereafter replaced on the podium by cigar-smoking DWU Athletics Director and newly-installed Chairman of the University Board of Regents Hollis Broussard, swathed characteristically in his seersucker suit, straw boater, and lavish royal blue cravat.  Sensing a looming scandal in the making, the cany Broussard deflected several reporter’s shouted question about Waivers’ bias by seizing on the word “bias” and then proceeding on a long, slow, desultory ramble that began about biased refereeing decisions that went against DWU, but then ranged from topics as disconnected as his preference for vinegar-based, rather than molasses-based, barbeque sauce, to the bias shown between different denominations of Baptists, to mainstream media bias against the fossil fuel industry.  By the time he was finished, the assembled reporting corps had left the media room to make their reporting deadlines. 

The Waves are set to take on Byron Rostersmith (0-1) this Saturday.