The Waivers Wrap - Week 2

 

THE WAIVERS WRAP – BY SUE NAMI

The Fightin’ Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University improved to 1-1 on the season with a 135-118 win over cross-division rival Byron Rostersmith U. 

DWU Head Coach Dave Waivers was not available for the post-game press conference.  His place at the podium was taken by Sports Information Director Landry Collins, who read a statement prepared by Waivers:

“I’m sorry I’m not there to answer your questions, but I am persevering through adversity at the moment and I ask you to respect my privacy.”

An anonymous source inside the Chester Cheeto Athletic Complex later intimated that Waivers “excused himself from post-game celebrations to sneak a quick smoke, but accidentally locked himself out of the building.  He then yelled up at the ticket office for someone to throw down their keys, but he dropped them and they then fell into a sewer.  When he lifted up the manhole cover he was attacked by several opossums, which he killed with the bowie knife he keeps in his socks.  He thinks that being covered in animal blood is ‘too on the nose’ to appear in front of the press, since he’s been contracted to hawk the new Halloween-themed Diet Mt. Dew Red Spouting Wound soft drink at the press conference.  Also, the nicotine’s typical laxative effects kicked in, he had to deal with that, too.”

DWU looks to move to 2-1 this Saturday against the New Guy Gnus. 

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