The Waivers Wrap - Week 3

 

THE WAIVERS WRAP – BY SUE NAMI

The Fightin’ Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University fell to 1-2 after a close 144-139 loss to the Gnus of New Guy University on Saturday.  Performance volatility issues appears to be the dominant refrain already this year, with many players putting up high numbers one week and low the next. 

“We can’t seem to get everyone on the same page at the same time,” lamented a harried-looking DWU head coach Dave Waivers at his post-game press conference.  “It’s almost like my players are playing on separate teams.”

Waivers went on to attribute the performance to a lack of dedicated game-prep time, owning the university’s mandatory, campus-wide “Div-Eq-Clusion” (a portmanteau of “Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) Week programming.  The program—co-sponsored by no less than six of DWU’s various Offices of Diversity, as well as the student-led SSSS (Students for Safer Safe Spaces), and the radical anarcha-feminist campus group, Phallacy—consisted of three days of training seminars designed to raise awareness (or “share-wareness”) of issues related to Diversity (or “thrive-rsity”), Equity (or “eq-NO QUIT-y”), and Inclusion (“inclusion”).  As part of the efforts, random drawings of university faculty and staff members were grouped together.  Coach Waivers’ group consisted in himself, a poetry post-doctoral fellow, the Social Work department chair, the chaplain of the campus Humanist Society, and Martha, an elderly, Polish language-only speaker who cleans the architecture building. 

“I tried my best to sit through the…what-have-you…I did, I really tried,” said an obviously irritated Waivers, “and my mama said if you don’t have nothing good to say, it’s better to say nothing at all.  That said,” Waivers continued, “the bearded fella in the cardigan [Social Work Department Chair Garth Betamayhl] kept talking about how he wanted to ‘create the heartspace’ for everyone to feel ‘named, lifted up, and embraced’, but that didn’t stop him from putting up a stink about my dip cup.  Thankfully my new friend Martha and I worked out a scheme where I’d have to help her to the restroom every 45 minutes so we could go smoke.”

The Fightin’ Blue Waves look to return to .500 this Saturday with tough trip to Vineyard Vines Stadium for a matchup again the Terriers of Clashmore Mike College.  As a concession to Div-Eq-Clusion Week officials, the football office has agreed to substitute players’ names on the back of their jerseys with thematized phrases. 

“Doing it this way was easier than making substantive changes to our archaic departmental harassment and discrimination policies, which were the reason we had to all sit though the seminars in the first place.  They seemed happy enough with the bone I threw them,” said DWU Athletics Director and Board of Regents Chair Hollis Broussard, as he eased into his royal blue Cadillac parked outside the Chester Cheeto Athletics Complex. 

As such, starting quarterbacks T. Morgan (starting in place of the injured D. King) and D. Thomspon-Robinson will wear “Love is Love” and “Science is Real,” in place of their last names.  Starting wide receivers M. Mims and J. Burton will wear “Kindness is Everything” and “Study HERstory.”  Starting tight end M. Mayer will appear as, “Silence is Violence,” and running backs J. Marks, R. White, and B. Burton will be known as “#CancelthePatriarchy”, “Student Debt is Student Death,” and “Divest from Israel,”  respectively.