The Waivers Wrap - Week 6

 THE WAIVERS WRAP – By Sue Nami

The Fightin’ Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University dropped a fourth contest this Saturday, falling to Huskers Conference foe ITDTGU, 153-126.

A Waves victory seemed assured by the late in the third quarter when DWU, holding level to that point and with ITDTGU running out of player minutes, finally inserted its quarterbacks.  But it was not to be; ITDTGU stalwarts C. Rodriquez of Kentucky and G. Shrader of Syracuse refused to quit scoring, piling on points as their respective coaching staffs couldn’t think of anything more original or insightful to do than repeatedly giving them the ball.

Decisively, however, it was the three DWU starters who did not see the field at all who cost their team the win.

“Look,” said a disconsolate Dave Waivers Head Coach Dave Waivers at his post-game press conference, “Brian Kelly didn’t want to start D. Pyne even though the whole world—including the various podcast insiders—were sure he’d demoted J. Coan, that statue.  But no, apparently Pyne went from first string to third string over the course of a few weekday practices and no one said a single word in the press.  But whatever.  What someone needs to tell me is why in the holy hell M. Mayer and J. Burton just didn’t play?  Oh, late scratches because of lingering injury issues?  Say that beforehand then.  Say it.  Tell us.  You owe it to us.  Don’t give me this HIPAA shit—schools aren’t covered entities under the law.”

Waivers then seemed to sag, his weight dropping against the podium as he struggled to right himself.  Absentmindedly, he picked up a bottle of the new Mt. Dew Hip Hop Citrus Blast Beat and muttered, “why won’t someone think of the fantasy coaches?..,” before taking a long drink and belching, “that’s swaggy.” 

It is evident that a certain restiveness has crept into the Waivers faithful.  With few opportunities to burn couches in celebration of victories, fans have turned to burning couches in mourning, or even protest. 

One fan, standing in front of a burning couch with a gallon of gasoline in his hand, wasn’t sure his motivation for burning his mother’s couch.   But speaking on the condition of anonymity, he said, “Dave Waivers is a hero to many folk around these parts, but people gots limits.  We wanna win ‘cause what else we got?  It’d be a real shame somethin’ happened to his dog.”

Another fan—dressed ostentatiously in a royal blue seersucker suit, cravat, and jaunty straw boater—and also speaking on a condition of anonymity, was more supportive. “Dave Waivers is as fine a coach as God ever created.  And just like this expensive bourbon, this Cuban cigar, and this classic Cadillac, he’s only gonna get better with age." 

The Waves look to get back to winning ways against Brian Kelly Cincinnati on Saturday.

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