The Waivers Wrap - Week 7

 THE WAIVERS WRAP – By Sue Nami

Waiverton Stadium descended into lawlessness late Saturday night after the Fightin’ Blue Waves posted their fifth loss of the season, dropping a last-second heartbreaker to the BKCU Trolls, 98.8 to 98.4. 

At the final whistle, a hailstorm of trash from the stands forced Dave Waivers University Head Coach Dave Waivers to take shelter in his team’s sideline medical emergency tent, ousting a DWU lineman who had been receiving intravenous fluids for dehydration.  The tent eventually collapsed under the weight of tens of thousands of empty 24 oz. cans of Diet Mt. Dew Killer Bee Buzz Brew, a potent new soda high in both caffeine and alcohol, which had been given away to fans in unlimited quantities as part of a promotional campaign. 

Members of Waivers’ security detail sustained multiple injuries before they could shepherd the coach to safety in the tunnel.  State trooper Sgt. Ephraim Hogg, Waiver’s long-time stoic on-field body guard, was hit in the neck by a full tin of Redman chewing tobacco.  Waivers himself sprained an ankle dodging a whole carburetor, which had been lobbed from the stadium’s upper tier.  Several couches were left to burn high up in the student section because the Waiverton fire department was occupied putting out burning couches in the luxury suites. 

Order inside the stadium was restored only as the crowd flowed out into Waiverton’s streets, though soon every park bench in the city was alive with flames. 

In lieu of a full press conference, a dejected Waivers spoke briefly to reporters outside of the DWU locker room. 

“A 0.4 point loss, you kidding me?  ARE YOU KIDDING ME?  How do you lose by 0.4 points?  We would have won with just one more handoff to R. White.  One more sack for Clemson.  One more catch for J. Burton—oh, wait, he was a last minute scratch by Kirby without any advanced notification to us, wasn’t he?  I had all the points I needed on the bench, but I started J. Burton so we lost.  He’s Georgia's best receiver!  Get him out there!”

Waivers seemed to crumple as he murmured to himself, “how in the world did we just lose to a team that didn’t even break the 100 point mark?...”

When queried about the dangerous scenes inside the stadium at the final whistle, however, Waivers brightened up.

“What?  That?  Ah, they’re just blowing off steam.  I love this.  I love it, man, that passion.  Show me a fanbase that got more passion, I’ll wait.  Plus, I got hit in the head with a cigarette lighter, and guess what?  Free lighter.”

The Waves playoff hopes are on life-support as they go on the road to face a slumping Wintergreens! this weekend with the Danville Anvil on the line.  Easily the nation’s greatest rivalry trophy—far outstripping all other rivalry trophies, especially those contested between Wintergreens! and other divisional rivals—this year’s iteration has been dubbed “The Turd Bowl” in the press due to the poor form of both teams. 

“For right now,” Waivers said has he retreated into the locker room, “me and Ephraim have a tin of chew to split.  After that, I’ll turn my attention to getting’ that anvil back where it belongs—hanging over my desk.”

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