The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami

THE WAIVERS WRAP – BY SUE NAMI  Waiverton. Implacable late-September weather. As much mud in the streets as if the waters had but newly retired from the face of the earth. Smoke lowering down from mountainside stacks, making a soft black drizzle, with flakes of soot in it as big as full-grown snow flakes gone into mourning, one might imagine, for the death of the sun. Dogs, undistinguishable in mire. Tackling dummies, scarcely better. Foot passengers, jostling one another’s umbrellas in a general infection of ill-temper, and losing their foot-hold at street corners, where thousands of other foot passengers have been slipping and sliding since the day broke (if the day ever broke), adding new deposits to the crust upon crust of mud, sticking at those points tenaciously to the pavement, and accumulating at compound interest.  Fog everywhere. Fog up the river, where it flows through brown valleys; fog down the river, where it rolls defiled among the tiers of shipping and the wat...

  THE WAIVERS WRAP – BY SUE NAMI The Fightin’ Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University fell to 1-2 after a close 144-139 loss to the Gnus of New Guy University on Saturday.   Performance volatility issues appears to be the dominant refrain already this year, with many players putting up high numbers one week and low the next.   “We can’t seem to get everyone on the same page at the same time,” lamented a harried-looking DWU head coach Dave Waivers at his post-game press conference.   “It’s almost like my players are playing on separate teams.” Waivers went on to attribute the performance to a lack of dedicated game-prep time, owning the university’s mandatory, campus-wide “Div-Eq-Clusion” (a portmanteau of “Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion) Week programming.   The program—co-sponsored by no less than six of DWU’s various Offices of Diversity, as well as the student-led SSSS (Students for Safer Safe Spaces), and the radical anarcha-feminist campus group, Phall...

  THE WAIVERS WRAP – BY SUE NAMI The Fightin’ Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University improved to 1-1 on the season with a 135-118 win over cross-division rival Byron Rostersmith U.   DWU Head Coach Dave Waivers was not available for the post-game press conference.   His place at the podium was taken by Sports Information Director Landry Collins, who read a statement prepared by Waivers: “I’m sorry I’m not there to answer your questions, but I am persevering through adversity at the moment and I ask you to respect my privacy.” An anonymous source inside the Chester Cheeto Athletic Complex later intimated that Waivers “excused himself from post-game celebrations to sneak a quick smoke, but accidentally locked himself out of the building.   He then yelled up at the ticket office for someone to throw down their keys, but he dropped them and they then fell into a sewer.   When he lifted up the manhole cover he was attacked by several opossums, which he killed ...

  The Waivers Wrap – By Sue Nami The Dave Waivers University Fighting Blue Waves slouched to a 170-149 season-opening loss to division rival Biff Draftenheimer.   Despite 30+ point performances from Miss St. RB Jo’quavious Marks and Notre Dame TE Michael Mayer, QB scoring deficits caused by individual matchups against the defenses of Alabama, LSU, and OSU resulted in the Waves’ loss.   Despite the setback, DWU head coach Dave Waivers opened his post-game press conference in high spirits.   When an unidentified and uncredentialed reporter wearing DWU grounds crew apparel asked him about his team’s execution, Waivers hastily blurted out “I’m in favor of executing them!”   He then mimed giving a high-five to the reporter, who returned the gesture before excusing himself from the room.   “Good ol’ Gene,” Waivers then said, seemingly to himself.   He then took a long swig of new Diet Mt. Dew Blue Fiesta Blizzard and belched, “that’s the ice that bring...

 These are from the back half of the 2019 season:   THE WAIVERS WRAP – BY SUE NAMI The Fightin’ Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University moved one step closer to winning the school’s first title on Saturday. With no night games on the slate, DWU watched West Coast Huskers grow closer and closer, as QB Jalen Hurts carved up the Baylor defense in the second half. “I was just sitting in the clubhouse there at the end, chainsmoking my Luckies,” said a visibly relieved DWU head coach Dave Waivers. “I felt like Phil, praying Tiger wouldn’t make that last putt.” In the end, however, WCHU couldn’t match the 185 points Waivers had already banked. DWU benefitted by getting 70 points from the starting running backs, as well as inspiration from a pre-game locker room pep talk by Kenny Chesney.   “We preach intangibles to our kids,” said Waivers, “along with character, grit, determination, belief, momentum, and not catching the flu all at the same time.” With a top four finis...

 I'm trying to archive old Waivers Wraps, but it seems like the first season, as rich with satisfying detail as it was, is completely lost.  The files aren't anywhere I normally store files, so it appears they've vanished like proverbial tears in the rain. I did manage to scrounge some of last season's idiosyncratic work (owning to the pandemic), but there still seems to be chunks missing.  Oh, well.  Here's what I could find: 1.) The Waivers Wrap – By Sue Nami   The Fightin’ Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University are more than ready for the start of the 2020 fantasy season.   Tonight’s draft will signal the start of the 10th year of Waves football in the program’s illustrious 135 year history.     Flanked by Sports information director Landry Collins and Athletic Director Hollis Broussard, head coach Dave Waivers opened Tuesday’s preseason press conference at the Diet Mt. Dew Xtreme Pink Grapefruit PuckerPunch Sports Complex in unusual st...