The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami

 The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami A crestfallen Dave Waivers University Head Coach Dave Waivers took to the podium after his team's narrow 154-153 loss to the Name Too Devine Tech Saints and lashed out in uncharacteristic fashion at his own team.  "I tell you what," said Waivers, "these one-point losses just gall you, know what I mean?  They just gall.  And I would never call out a player, but zero point three points for a starting running back ain't gonna cut it in this league, son.  You score 20 points sitting on the bench, then get into the game and put up zero point three?  Michigan State don't wanna play Waves football apparently, so it's straight back to the bench.  I'm galled." At 1-2, the Fighting Blue Waves must search for answers and find them quickly, as the W. Byron Rostersmith Smiths come to town for the Homecoming game boasting an undefeated record.  Waivers has already announced a roster shakeup this week, with Arizona's J. de La...

 The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami The Fightin' Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University fell to 1-1 after dropping Saturday's contest with Mac Bob U, 158-123.  Texas Tech QB Donovan Smith turned in an admirable 27-point performance in a call-up role for the injured Tyler Shough, but low outputs from Arizona QB Jayden de Laura and an uncharacteristically poor showing by the Alabama D/ST sunk the Waves' hopes for victory. "Those coaching staffs didn't coach Waves Football," said a dejected Dave Waivers University head coach Dave Waivers.  "More to the point, this 70% rule is killing me.  First, FCS teams shouldn't play FBS teams, it's a joke.  Second, when they do play, most of the starters get less than 70% of their normal snaps anyway.  It's hard on us fantasy coaches to get a sense of our rosters at this point in the season because you can never just roll with what you think is the best squad.  It'll be nice when we finally get past all this t...

 The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami The mood was festive at the Chester Cheetos® football office complex on the Dave Waivers University Campus following the Fightin' Blue Waves 174-164 victory over cross-division stalwarts, Skers University.  As the Waves topped the league's scoring charts this week, head coach Dave Waivers appeared at the post-game press conference swinging a large pair of chrome TruckNuts in circles over his head.  The TruckNuts, emblazoned with a royal blue enamel DWU logo and encrusted with diamonds, are normally presented on the sidelines to players who have recently forced a turnover.  "But I felt like I earned these bad boys, " said Waivers, "on account of being league top scorers and all." "We had a real close one today--we needed BT Potter to step up and make some big kicks, and he did," said Waivers, referring to the placekicker who overcame the Waves 1.3 point deficit coming into last night's Clemson/Georgia Tech game. ...

 THE WAIVERS WRAP – By Sue Nami After having been narrowly pipped by 0.4 points in last month’s tilt against the BKCU, the Fightin’ Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University once again come up short on Saturday, falling to the Trolls, 186-170.    Head coach Dave Waivers was nowhere to be seen at his scheduled post-game press conference, but was replaced by a standup cardboard cutout of himself holding a bottle of Diet Mt. Dew Xtreme Blewberry Xplosion.   In front of the cutout sat a small speaker with a button, that, when pushed by reporters, emitted one of three pre-recorded statements in Waiver’s voice: “We didn’t play Waves football.” "We’ve got to coach better. Right now, it is what it is.” “Yet another starter was a ‘Did Not Play.’   Won’t someone think of the fantasy coaches?!” A fourth recording was simply a clip of Indianapolis Colts head coach Jim Mora’s famous “playoffs” rant.  While most reporters hastily lapped up Waivers pre-recorded st...

 THE WAIVERS WRAP – BY SUE NAMI Two weeks ago, the residents of Waiverton expressed their displeasure at DWU’s 2-6 record in an almost unconscionable act of defiance: by de-festooning their trees, houses, shops, and pets of their traditional seasonal royal blue streamers and garlands.   In light of the hometown team’s two game winning streak, however, the city has been re-festooned, and Dave Waivers University colors again wave happily everywhere in the autumn breeze.   Local retailers have noted the uptick in the general Waivertonian mood as well, especially as measured in DWU merchandise sales since the winning streak commenced.   Honus Grundy, an owner of sixteen stores in the WaveWorld franchise of 24-hour DWU clothing and memorabilia emporiums, noted that, “while [he] was down mostly to package liquor sales last week, it’s back to the normal grind of moving Dave Waivers sweatshirts, shot glasses, beer helmets, gun racks, and little stickers of Calvin peeing o...

 THE WIAVERS WRAP – By Sue Nami Despite the obvious signs of autumn spreading across the Dave Waivers University Campus, it is spring that has noticeably returned to the step of DWU head football coach Dave Waivers after the Fightin’ Blue Waves 154-119 victory over divisional rival the University of Earl at Pickswell.   “Just happy for the guys to get a win.   Happy for this program. Happy for the boosters, I mean fans. And especially happy to be holding the prototype of the new ice cold Diet Mt Dew Fightin’ Blue Watermelon Wave, now the official soft drink of the Dave Waivers University football program.” Waivers then downed the entire 16 oz. plastic bottle of the neon blue soda, and splashed the last few ounces over his face before belching, “highly crashable.” As the press conference unfolded, it was clear to the media that Waivers was experiencing a kind of manic episode that could not be explained wholly by the experimental levels of sugar and caffeine in the...

 THE WAIVERS WRAP – By Sue Nami Despite endless and predictable pre-game self-flagellation from the Wintergreens! University football staff in the run-up to Saturday’s Danville Anvil matchup, WU naturally turned in far and away its best performance of the season, besting the Fightin’ Blue Waves 216-144.   Even though WU officials repeatedly assured the public of their own team’s ineptitude—in a fashion as pathetic as it was unsolicited—no less than seven of eight WU offensive starters bested their season scoring average, because of course. Now at 2-6, DWU’s chance to make the playoffs is all but over.   The Fightin’ Blue Waves must travel to Pickswell to face the Earls this Saturday with top-scorer Dorian Thompson-Robinson in doubt with an injury to his throwing hand.     None of the DWU football staff was available to meet the press after the game, though SID Landry Collins did make available to the press Martha, an elderly, Polish language only speaker, ...