The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami

The Fighting Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University fell just short of sweeping their three local trophy games, losing to the Earls of Earl Pickswell University, 161-154.   The Waves slipped to 5th after the loss.   "Well, obviously, this is complete horseshit," remarked a chagrined Dave Waivers University Head Coach Dave Waivers.   "Why'd we lose?   Because the haters in our division got sick of us winning with defense last year, so they relentlessly whined at the commissioner all off season until he gave in to shut them up." The new defense scoring rules were clearly the major contributing factor in the loss.   Waivers gambled by playing Notre Dame's defense a week after the Irish's surprise home loss to MAC opponent Northern Illinois.   In saner times, his gamble would have paid off.   Notre Dame's suffocating defense stifled a hapless Purdue, holding the Boilermakers to just seven points and 164 total yards, while registering four sacks, two t...

  The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami Mintington - The Fighting Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University opened the season with a 146-136 road victory over chief rival Wintergreens!!.   Saturday's victory marks the first time in the rivalry's history that the teams competed for the Danville Anvil on the opening weekend. "What a way to kick off the season," screamed an elated DWU Head Coach Dave Waivers at reporters after the game.   "Beat U!   Beat State!   Beat Tech!   Beat 'Greens!   The fight song told me to do it, so I went out and did it."   Waivers then took a long, cool pull off of a bottle of the all-new Diet Hard Mt. Dew Dewy Mountain Mad Sauce before flashing the Wintergreens "M" hand signal, and subsequently turning it upside down into the familiar "W" of the Waves sign.  "Mint Down," he added. Though the contest remained a low-scoring affair to the end, it was ultimately decided by Wintergreens!! inability to ha...

The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami Waiverton - The Fighting Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University extended their reign atop the Evanston/Skokie division of the Domer Conference by defeating Huskers Westgate Division leaders Skers on Saturday, 159-137.   Despite the absences of top RB TreVeyon Henderson and the early exit of Texas QB Quinn Ewers with a shoulder sprain, the Waves did just enough to earn the victory and move to 7-1. For a second straight week, however, a Waves win has become the subject of scrutiny within the CFF community.   Buzz around the league suggests the Waves have employed the illegal tactic of sign stealing via video recording equipment, specifically for use on defense and special teams.   Sources have confirmed to the Waivers Wrap that longtime BSI league commissioner Atpay Inermay has empowered investigators to seize computers from DWU's Chester Cheetah Athletics Complex, looking for evidence of a crime or cover-up.   "We resent the league'...

Waiverton - Waves fans everywhere were celebrating Saturday night as Dave Waivers University defeated its "Old Rival" 152-143, retaining the prestigious Danville Anvil trophy, unambiguously the single most coveted rivalry trophy in all of sports, real of fake.  At the final whistle, tens of thousands of inebriated hillbillies spilled onto the turf, a sweating, writhing proletarian mass, jubilant in its ecstasy, chugging homemade corn distillate, and lobbing bottles of its urine at the exiting Wintergreens!! players and staff.   "This one is for our fans!" screamed Dave Waivers University head football coach Dave Waivers in his on-field interview with ESPN's Holly Rowe.  "And also for our players, our coaches, our staff, our backroom staff, Nils Bagman and his player retention team, and our friends in the desert, who seem to know more than they should about Wintergreens U sidelines signaling." After politely refusing several mouthfuls of unidentif...

Dave Waivers University suffered its first setback of the season on Saturday, losing a heartbreaker to rival W. Byron Rostersmith University, 190-172.  "It's tough to score 172 and lose, fourth highest score in the league this week," lamented Dave Waivers University Head Coach Dave Waivers, "I feel like these games have been closer than they should be, so I've fired my entire defensive staff, and already hired a new one."   Waivers intuition is a good one; stats show DWU has surrendered more points to opposing offenses than any other team in the league.   "I guess it's not nothin' to have played the hardest schedule, but you got these other crumb bums floating around the league winning games without breaking 100.   Muuuuust beeeeee niiiiiice," Waivers finished in his characteristic drawl. Though loathe to place blame on the program's winningest coach, this reporter plucked up the courage to point out that on the last two plays of ...

  Week 3 - THE WAIVERS WRAP - By Sue Nami Upper Crustington, MA - Dave Waivers University moved to 3-0 Saturday night on the back of its high-flying offense, outpacing bitter rival Clashmore Mike College 186-179.   The Fightin' Blue Waves narrowly missed out on topping the league in scoring for a second consecutive week, finishing second only behind Name Too Divine University (190 points).   With Wavey Dave--DWU's anthropomorphic blue wave mascot--suspended for the contest after miming urinating on the CMC logo with blue Mountain Dew at halftime of last year's contest, university officials opted to allow head coach Dave Waivers to substitute his Bluetick Coonhound, Clete, in the mascot role.   According to longsuffering Sports Information Director Landry Collins, the move is not unprecedented. DWU's teams played under the nickname Smellhounds until the 1940s, and even today the university will occasionally resurrect the mascot whenever tsunami-related devastation...

Waiverton - With the offense firing on all cylinders, the Fightin' Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University moved to 2-0, defeating the Gnus of New Guy University 179-168. Their 179 points led the league in scoring, a feat seeming all but impossible after struggling to put points on the board during Week 1. "One of my heroes, Lou Holtz, always said you improve the most between your first two games," said head coach Dave Waivers at his post-game press conference. "And then he also said a bunch of other things that I won't repeat because I don't wanna end up in racial sensitivity training again, ok let's move on." The Waves were led by the 60 points scored by the quarterbacking combo of Quinn Ewers of Texas and Oregon's Bo Nix, and got 26 points from Michigan's D/ST. "We're gonna keep riding the Wolverines on D because they've basically been gifted a one-game season by sycophantic conference schedulers. It's a disgrace to the s...

  THE WAIVERS WRAP - By Sue Nami Biffton - As the final whistle sounded in Biffton Stadium Saturday night, a jubilant Dave Waivers University (1-0) head coach Dave Waivers sprinted over to the visitor's section to celebrate with his travelling faithful.   Grabbing the drum major's baton and shoving the hapless nerd to the ground, Waivers climbed the stepladder and directed the DWU band in a rendition of the school's famous War Hymn , before taking a long swig from a concealed hip flask. "It's the greatest of days to be the fightin' blue waves," said Waivers into the microphone at his post-game presser.   Waivers remained visibly excited despite having been shunted into a tiny basement back room in the bowels of Biffton Stadium for his press conference, with scalding, fetid graywater dripping onto the press table from rusted pipes only six inches above his head.   "Ahh, it's not big deal.   The Biffs put me back here because they're sore ab...

The disappearance of Dave Waivers University Head Coach Dave Waivers has been the only talk of town the past few weeks, with fans across the WaiveNation worrying over the whereabouts of the iconic coach.  After vanishing a month ago following the Fighting Blue Waves 1-point loss to the Name Too Divine Tech Saints, Waivers re-emerged this week to lead his troops to a 166-115 trouncing of the University of Earl at Pickswell Earls to claim the annual Wayneshead Trophy.   When pressed by reporters what could have justified a leave of absence of that length in the middle of the football season--a span that saw the Waves lose four consecutive games--Waivers merely remarked about the "coming apocalyptic moment in college football" where "only teams who have prepared themselves to do what is necessary to survive" will remain competitive, while everyone else will find themselves "playing the part of the proverbial whipping boy." Though he refused to comment on his ...

 The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami A crestfallen Dave Waivers University Head Coach Dave Waivers took to the podium after his team's narrow 154-153 loss to the Name Too Devine Tech Saints and lashed out in uncharacteristic fashion at his own team.  "I tell you what," said Waivers, "these one-point losses just gall you, know what I mean?  They just gall.  And I would never call out a player, but zero point three points for a starting running back ain't gonna cut it in this league, son.  You score 20 points sitting on the bench, then get into the game and put up zero point three?  Michigan State don't wanna play Waves football apparently, so it's straight back to the bench.  I'm galled." At 1-2, the Fighting Blue Waves must search for answers and find them quickly, as the W. Byron Rostersmith Smiths come to town for the Homecoming game boasting an undefeated record.  Waivers has already announced a roster shakeup this week, with Arizona's J. de La...

 The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami The Fightin' Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University fell to 1-1 after dropping Saturday's contest with Mac Bob U, 158-123.  Texas Tech QB Donovan Smith turned in an admirable 27-point performance in a call-up role for the injured Tyler Shough, but low outputs from Arizona QB Jayden de Laura and an uncharacteristically poor showing by the Alabama D/ST sunk the Waves' hopes for victory. "Those coaching staffs didn't coach Waves Football," said a dejected Dave Waivers University head coach Dave Waivers.  "More to the point, this 70% rule is killing me.  First, FCS teams shouldn't play FBS teams, it's a joke.  Second, when they do play, most of the starters get less than 70% of their normal snaps anyway.  It's hard on us fantasy coaches to get a sense of our rosters at this point in the season because you can never just roll with what you think is the best squad.  It'll be nice when we finally get past all this t...

 The Waivers Wrap - By Sue Nami The mood was festive at the Chester Cheetos® football office complex on the Dave Waivers University Campus following the Fightin' Blue Waves 174-164 victory over cross-division stalwarts, Skers University.  As the Waves topped the league's scoring charts this week, head coach Dave Waivers appeared at the post-game press conference swinging a large pair of chrome TruckNuts in circles over his head.  The TruckNuts, emblazoned with a royal blue enamel DWU logo and encrusted with diamonds, are normally presented on the sidelines to players who have recently forced a turnover.  "But I felt like I earned these bad boys, " said Waivers, "on account of being league top scorers and all." "We had a real close one today--we needed BT Potter to step up and make some big kicks, and he did," said Waivers, referring to the placekicker who overcame the Waves 1.3 point deficit coming into last night's Clemson/Georgia Tech game. ...

 THE WAIVERS WRAP – By Sue Nami After having been narrowly pipped by 0.4 points in last month’s tilt against the BKCU, the Fightin’ Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University once again come up short on Saturday, falling to the Trolls, 186-170.    Head coach Dave Waivers was nowhere to be seen at his scheduled post-game press conference, but was replaced by a standup cardboard cutout of himself holding a bottle of Diet Mt. Dew Xtreme Blewberry Xplosion.   In front of the cutout sat a small speaker with a button, that, when pushed by reporters, emitted one of three pre-recorded statements in Waiver’s voice: “We didn’t play Waves football.” "We’ve got to coach better. Right now, it is what it is.” “Yet another starter was a ‘Did Not Play.’   Won’t someone think of the fantasy coaches?!” A fourth recording was simply a clip of Indianapolis Colts head coach Jim Mora’s famous “playoffs” rant.  While most reporters hastily lapped up Waivers pre-recorded st...

 THE WAIVERS WRAP – BY SUE NAMI Two weeks ago, the residents of Waiverton expressed their displeasure at DWU’s 2-6 record in an almost unconscionable act of defiance: by de-festooning their trees, houses, shops, and pets of their traditional seasonal royal blue streamers and garlands.   In light of the hometown team’s two game winning streak, however, the city has been re-festooned, and Dave Waivers University colors again wave happily everywhere in the autumn breeze.   Local retailers have noted the uptick in the general Waivertonian mood as well, especially as measured in DWU merchandise sales since the winning streak commenced.   Honus Grundy, an owner of sixteen stores in the WaveWorld franchise of 24-hour DWU clothing and memorabilia emporiums, noted that, “while [he] was down mostly to package liquor sales last week, it’s back to the normal grind of moving Dave Waivers sweatshirts, shot glasses, beer helmets, gun racks, and little stickers of Calvin peeing o...

 THE WIAVERS WRAP – By Sue Nami Despite the obvious signs of autumn spreading across the Dave Waivers University Campus, it is spring that has noticeably returned to the step of DWU head football coach Dave Waivers after the Fightin’ Blue Waves 154-119 victory over divisional rival the University of Earl at Pickswell.   “Just happy for the guys to get a win.   Happy for this program. Happy for the boosters, I mean fans. And especially happy to be holding the prototype of the new ice cold Diet Mt Dew Fightin’ Blue Watermelon Wave, now the official soft drink of the Dave Waivers University football program.” Waivers then downed the entire 16 oz. plastic bottle of the neon blue soda, and splashed the last few ounces over his face before belching, “highly crashable.” As the press conference unfolded, it was clear to the media that Waivers was experiencing a kind of manic episode that could not be explained wholly by the experimental levels of sugar and caffeine in the...

 THE WAIVERS WRAP – By Sue Nami Despite endless and predictable pre-game self-flagellation from the Wintergreens! University football staff in the run-up to Saturday’s Danville Anvil matchup, WU naturally turned in far and away its best performance of the season, besting the Fightin’ Blue Waves 216-144.   Even though WU officials repeatedly assured the public of their own team’s ineptitude—in a fashion as pathetic as it was unsolicited—no less than seven of eight WU offensive starters bested their season scoring average, because of course. Now at 2-6, DWU’s chance to make the playoffs is all but over.   The Fightin’ Blue Waves must travel to Pickswell to face the Earls this Saturday with top-scorer Dorian Thompson-Robinson in doubt with an injury to his throwing hand.     None of the DWU football staff was available to meet the press after the game, though SID Landry Collins did make available to the press Martha, an elderly, Polish language only speaker, ...

 THE WAIVERS WRAP – By Sue Nami Waiverton Stadium descended into lawlessness late Saturday night after the Fightin’ Blue Waves posted their fifth loss of the season, dropping a last-second heartbreaker to the BKCU Trolls, 98.8 to 98.4.   At the final whistle, a hailstorm of trash from the stands forced Dave Waivers University Head Coach Dave Waivers to take shelter in his team’s sideline medical emergency tent, ousting a DWU lineman who had been receiving intravenous fluids for dehydration.   The tent eventually collapsed under the weight of tens of thousands of empty 24 oz. cans of Diet Mt. Dew Killer Bee Buzz Brew, a potent new soda high in both caffeine and alcohol, which had been given away to fans in unlimited quantities as part of a promotional campaign.   Members of Waivers’ security detail sustained multiple injuries before they could shepherd the coach to safety in the tunnel.   State trooper Sgt. Ephraim Hogg, Waiver’s long-time stoic on-field bo...

 THE WAIVERS WRAP – By Sue Nami The Fightin’ Blue Waves of Dave Waivers University dropped a fourth contest this Saturday, falling to Huskers Conference foe ITDTGU, 153-126. A Waves victory seemed assured by the late in the third quarter when DWU, holding level to that point and with ITDTGU running out of player minutes, finally inserted its quarterbacks.   But it was not to be; ITDTGU stalwarts C. Rodriquez of Kentucky and G. Shrader of Syracuse refused to quit scoring, piling on points as their respective coaching staffs couldn’t think of anything more original or insightful to do than repeatedly giving them the ball. Decisively, however, it was the three DWU starters who did not see the field at all who cost their team the win. “Look,” said a disconsolate Dave Waivers Head Coach Dave Waivers at his post-game press conference, “Brian Kelly didn’t want to start D. Pyne even though the whole world—including the various podcast insiders—were sure he’d demoted J. Coan, t...

A elated Dave Waivers strode into the press room following his team’s 144-85, come-from-behind victory over Howie Koachemup in the annual E-Town Beatdown rivalry. “There’s nothing like winning a rivalry game,” said the positively giddy DWU head coach, “and there’s nothing better than coming from behind.” “That’s what she said,” came a disembodied voice from within the Wavy Dave mascot costume, stationed near the podium. “Good one, Dave,” said Waivers, who fistbumped the mascot while peering through its breathing hole.   “Is that a girl in there? Lewd jokes from a girl.   What a world we live in.” Waivers returned to the podium and continued, “I just wanted to give a shoutout to my defense, who held that rascal Howie to a season-low 85 points.   Not that you can play defense in fantasy, of course, but nevertheless.   And I want to call special attention to the new line of delicious...[Waivers narrowed his eyes and strained to read the hand-written card a stude...

THE WAIVERS WRAP – BY SUE NAMI  Waiverton. Implacable late-September weather. As much mud in the streets as if the waters had but newly retired from the face of the earth. Smoke lowering down from mountainside stacks, making a soft black drizzle, with flakes of soot in it as big as full-grown snow flakes gone into mourning, one might imagine, for the death of the sun. Dogs, undistinguishable in mire. Tackling dummies, scarcely better. Foot passengers, jostling one another’s umbrellas in a general infection of ill-temper, and losing their foot-hold at street corners, where thousands of other foot passengers have been slipping and sliding since the day broke (if the day ever broke), adding new deposits to the crust upon crust of mud, sticking at those points tenaciously to the pavement, and accumulating at compound interest.  Fog everywhere. Fog up the river, where it flows through brown valleys; fog down the river, where it rolls defiled among the tiers of shipping and the wat...